Canadian Snack Reviews: The (Not Really) Fairytale Edition

Once upon a time, in the magical world of Narnia where it is always winter Toronto, there lived an Australian who loved her current life but also, as a result of being both excited about and terrified of the looming Unknown, had not slept well in a fortnight.

One morning, she awoke earlier than normal and, despite taking her time reading poetry over coffee in the lightening hours, found herself disembarking from the subway with enough time up her sleeve to run a mundane un-Princess-like errand.

She had to buy toothpaste.

And so, on that glittering grey morning, the Australian (who is currently writing you these words) skipped along in her crystal slippers to Shopper’s Drug Mart, with the sole goal of buying toothpaste.

Twenty minutes later, she walked out with this:

Shoppers Drug Mart I forgot the dang toothpaste.

Oh, and I thought I was buying the mini chocolate peanut butter cups, not the mini chocolate caramel cups. Ugh. (See my review of the Ritter Sport Marzipan here.)

Simply Food Chocolate Vanilla Creme Cookies OreosAs I’m sure many of you know, Oreos are ninja vegan.

Simply Food Chocolate Vanilla Creme Cookies OreosTurns out that Simply Food Chocolate Vanilla Creme Sandwich Cookies, aka Shoppers Drug Mart’s storebrand (cheaper) version of Oreos, are secretly vegan too.

They taste just like how I remember Oreos tasting.

By which I mean that they are best when spread with almond butter. Or peanut butter. Or any kind of nut butter, presumably.

Shoppers Drug Mart Swiss Dark Chocolate with Honey Almond NougatAnd here we have Shoppers Drug Mart’s storebrand (cheaper) version of Toblerone. Interestingly, while Toblerone Dark lists milk fat as an ingredient, this Premium Prestige Swiss Dark Chocolate with Honey Almond Nougat is dairy-free, though not vegan. (Well, that was interesting to me, anyway. At least three-quarters of you are likely very bored right now.)

Shoppers Drug Mart Swiss Dark Chocolate with Honey Almond NougatBravo, Shoppers Drug Mart, for mimicking Toblerone’s unique pyramid shape closely enough to reinforce the similarity in your consumers’ minds while simultaneously being different enough to (I assume) avoid a lawsuit.

Shoppers Drug Mart Swiss Dark Chocolate with Honey Almond NougatAlas, I cannot claim that the knock-off version of Toblerone is on par with the real thing. Whereas Toblerone has distinct notes of honey and almond, Premium Prestige’s dark chocolate tastes of… sugar. For a second I thought I caught hints of wine and raisins, but no. Just sugar. With some cocoa. And more sugar.

These confections did not live happily ever after.

The end.

Canadian Snack Reviews: Hannah and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Snacks

It’s not always magic, laughter, and rainbows here in North American Snackworld. Sometimes it’s the opposite. Sometimes the storebought edibles I fall prey to can barely even be called “edibles”. But hey, you live and learn, right?

Well, you might. I think we all know I’ll keep buying ridiculous snacks regardless of how many times I’m bitten (not twice shy). After all, as even this post shows, there’s always a sugary light at the end of the tunnel.

Sticky Toffee CheeseSticky Toffee Cheese.

The worst. The worst the worst the worst.

With an extra side of worsererness.

Dates and “toffee flavour” and golden syrup in waxy tangy cheese.

This is the kind of thing that makes me glad I’m lactose intolerant, and upset at myself for pretending I’m not while at the grocery store.

Did I mention this was the worst?

Skippy Natural Peanut Butter with HoneyI am hurt. A plague o’ both your houses!

How is it possible for there to exist a peanut butter flavoured with honey that tastes neither of peanut butter nor honey? What kind of devil work is this? America, you can keep your Skippy peanut butter. I’ll be sticking with my country’s Skippy The Bush Kangaroo.

President's Choice Gorgonzola Flavoured CrackersPresident's Choice Gorgonzola Flavoured CrackersOkay, so these President’s Choice Gorgonzola Flavoured Mini Cheese Crackers weren’t terrible, per se. The first bite was quite nice, as I do love blue cheese. However, after two seconds of gorgonzola flavour, the crackers dissolved into a sweetish paste that reminded me of why I’ve never liked Ritz crackers.

Pass.

Kellogg's Cinnamon PopsKellogg's Cinnamon PopsKellogg’s Cinnamon Pops were borderline tasty, but more because they brought back memories of eating Corn Pops in the US in the early 90s than because I truly loved the flavour now.

However, this cereal does get points for teaching me the phrase “Pas de Pops sur mon gazon”. Now that’s bound to come in handy next time I visit France.

Ben & Jerry's Caramel Hat TrickI wanted Chubby Hubby. I wanted peanut butter-filled chocolate-covered pretzels. Instead, I ended up with Ben & Jerry’s Caramel Hat Trick, which is described as Caramel Ice Cream with Swirls of Caramel & Fudge Covered Caramel Chunks.

Pretty good, initially, but then too sweet. I’m so pretentious these days; every time I have straight caramel, I end up wishing for Maldon sea salt flakes to sprinkle on top.

Cracker JackAh, Cracker Jack. At least you never fail me. Ninja vegan caramel popcorn and peanuts with a name and mascot reminiscent of Gene Kelly in Take Me Out To The Ballgame and On The Town.

I could eat handfuls of Cracker Jack for always.

Canadian Snack Reviews: From the Sublime to the Ridiculous

As ever, dear reader-friend-folks, ask and ye shall receive. As a direct result of your delight and horror at (as well as your outright requests for more of) my Assortment of American Snacks posts, I bring you the first of what will surely be many Canadian Snack Reviews.

I’ve called this one “from the sublime to the ridiculous” because, as you’ll see, it starts off tastily… and then it’s all downhill from there.

Cheeky Monkey Peanut Butter PuffsI stumbled across these Cheeky Monkey Peanut Butter Puffs while exploring a health food store with Lisa after our lunch at Kale Eatery. At first, I pretended I didn’t need to buy them, but that didn’t last long.

I always need peanut butter.

Cheeky Monkey Peanut Butter PuffsMade solely of organic peanut butter, organic corn, organic palm oil (sorry orangutans), and salt, these Cheeky Monkey Peanut Butter Puffs are vegan, organic and kosher certified, free of cholesterol, trans fat, sugar, dairy, and casein, “full of protein”, “not fried”, and “unbelievably delicious”. Way to be confident, Cheeky Monkey!

Not surprisingly, and yet at the same time completely surprisingly, these Peanut Butter Puffs tasted purely and simply like peanut butter, except crunchy-crispy-airy.

They were awesome.

Goldfish Flavour Blasted Screaming' Salt and VinegarPepperidge Farm’s Flavour Blasted Goldfish in Screamin’ Salt & Vinegar flavour were equally awesome in their intense vinegariness, but they get negative points for burning my tastebuds after a few consecutive handfuls.

Belmonte Raw Uplift JuiceAfter my lunch at Belmonte Raw, Carol Belmonte (the fabulous owner), was generous enough to bequeath Lisa and me with a full bottle each of Belmonte’s Uplift juice, which is made of cucumber, spinach, parsley, apple, lemon, and ginger.

Golly gee deliciousness! Zingy, fresh, not-too-sweet yet also not-too-“green-tasting”, this may just be the best green juice I’ve yet had in my life. Oh for a daily supply…

Camino Dark Chocolate Almond ButterNow, unfortunately, we come to the “ridiculous” part of this post, wherein “ridiculous” means “awful”. I don’t know if it was a matter of poor storage, but this Camino Dark Chocolate filled with Almond Butter chocolate was one of the worst chocolate bars I’ve ever had. The filling was grainy and tasteless, and the dark chocolate was bloomed, crumbly, and tasteless.

Camino Dark Chocolate Almond ButterIt made me sad.

Janes Flat Jacks Chicken Toaster SnacksWhat. WHAT? No, seriously, WHAT?! “Chicken snacks for your toaster”?!

No. I will not. I refuse. This is every kind of wrong. Please, no.

Make it stop.

Hannah Kaminsky homemade Speculoos spreadOh, thank you. That’s far better. Hannah’s homemade vegan Speculoos spread, which tasted like heaven on a spoon. I know, I know, this is neither a Canadian nor storebought snack, but I swear, I needed something to block the breaded toaster chicken snacks from my mind.

Do you know what is Canadian, though? SNOWSTORMS.

Toronto snowstormToronto snowstormI shoveled over half a metre’s worth of snow today. And then when I walked inside and turned around, the snow had already started to pile up again.

I think the table in the following shot might give you an idea of how much snow we’ve had in the past twenty-four hours.

Toronto snowstormMerry Winter everybody!

An Assortment of Amazing, Astonishing, and/or Awful American Snacks, Part Four

I believe that this fourth collection of American snacks brings me to the end of my 2012 United States-based travel tales. However, lest you think my indefatigable quest to try all things weird and wonderful (of the edible and packaged variety, that is) has come to an end, fear not! I didn’t use the word “indefatigable” for nothing, and Canada contains just as many novelty snacks as its neighbour to the south.

Plus, if all goes to plan, I’ll be back in the US by mid-2013. Dear Earth Café Raw Cheesecakes: I’m comin’ for you.

American Snacks

Look, ma! Raspberries! And kale! Told you I wouldn’t get scurvy!

Some of the above items have already been reviewed, so I’ll instead draw your attention to that which turned out to be one of the most horrific things I’ve ever put in my mouth. (Including the time my brother and I tried the canned cat food we were feeding to the neighbour’s cat. Also the time we tried the dry dog kibble we were feeding to our puppy [it was not like Puppy Chow].)

See in the top left there, the Simply 7 White Cheddar Pomegranate Chips? I bought them because they sounded insane. They tasted not so much insane as truly, truly awful. Musty, tangy, vaguely-but-not-really-cheese-y, like cordial mixed with rancid milk. Insert Taylor Swift lyric here about never, ever getting back together. Like, ever.

Healthy Power-Fu Eggless Vegetarian Hawaiian Taste Salad

Could Healthy Natural Power-Fu’s Eggless Vegetarian Hawaiian-Taste Salad (Spicy) save the day? Or at least distract me from the evils of pomegranate cheese chips? Not really. I found this to be bland and squidgy. Pass.

Sweet Scoops Pumpkin Frozen Yoghurt

Luckily, Sweet Scoops Limited Edition Pumpkin Frozen Yoghurt came in like a knight in shining armour, lighting up my life with the taste of creamy light tangy pumpkin pie-spiced fluffy frozen deliciousness.

Simply 7 Spicy CHilli Pepper Hummus Chips and Annie's Honey Cinnamon Graham Bunnies

Simply 7 somewhat redeemed itself with its Spicy Chilli Pepper Hummus Chips. However, I now know for sure that I’d rather eat plain chickpeas out of a can than “hummus chips” any day.

Annie’s Cinnamon Bunny Grahams were fine in a boringly sweet way, but they didn’t make me soar (until I used them to scoop up Peanut Butter and Co’s White Chocolate Peanut Butter. Then they they became more appealing).

Didi's Nori Nosh

Didi’s raw vegan Nori Nosh was utterly fabulous. Made of nothing more than sesame seeds, dates, nori, nama shoyu, and vanilla, these were like a delicious mix between sesame snaps, halva, and, um, seaweed. I want more of these forever.

Macro Vegetarian Peking DuckMacro Vegetarian Peking Duck

After visiting Hannah in Connecticut, I was sent back to New York under strict orders to try Macro Vegetarian’s vegan Peking Duck with Shiitake Mushroom as soon as possible. Flavoured with cinnamon, anise, tamari, sesame oil, and licorice, these yuba- and mushroom-based slices of “duck” were a delicious and fascinating novelty.

So Delicious Sugar-Free Mint Chip Coconut Milk Ice Cream

And, of course, we end with something sweet. Despite not being a coconut devotee, I found So Delicious’ coconut milk-based mint ice cream flecked with shards of rich dark chocolate to be scrumptious. The cooling minty-freshness was lovely against the plentiful dark chocolate shards and underlying hint of coconut.

So Delicious Sugar-Free Mint Chip Coconut Milk Ice Cream

See that tiny serving in the bowl there? After that was done, I went back for the pint, grabbed a spoon, snuggled into the couch with an episode of Treme, and that. was. that.

I miss you, America. ‘Til we meet again.

An Assortment of Amazing, Astonishing, and/or Awful American Snacks, Part Three

Sure, I’m in Canada now, but that’s no reason to stop giggling at (or yearning for more) wild and wacky American snacks, right? Right.

(You can catch up on Parts One and Two here.)

EmmaBee's Vegan Baked Doughnuts from Kansas City

Way back when in Kansas City, Amber and I discovered a local baked vegan doughnut maker at the Bad Seed Farmers Market. I showed you EmmaBee’s coffee glazed almond vegan doughnut in this post, but thought you might also like to see the apple cider and chocolate almond doughnuts.

File these under Acceptable American Snacks.

However, at the other end of the spectrum…

Sweet Caramel Popcorn Seasoning

Since when is sweet caramel seasoning appropriate for “vegetables and pasta dishes”? No, really, I want to know. Is it spaghetti bolognese to which I should be adding powdery white sweet caramel flavouring? Or is it more likely that a carbonara, or perhaps tagliatelle al nero di seppia, would benefit from this secret ingredient?

TELL ME AMERICA I NEED TO UNDERSTAND.

Lady Hannah Tisane

Nice try, America. Yes, you win points for calling me a lady, but I shan’t forget your caramel vegetable pasta insanity that easily.

Licorice Watermelon Seeds

Ha! Fooled you! Not only were these licorice watermelon seeds a snack from Japan, but I ate them in Australia. Sing with me now: One of these things is not like the others; one of these things just doesn’t belong!

The reason I snuck these Japanese licorice-flavoured watermelon seeds into today’s post about American snacks is, well, um… I wanted to. The seeds were simultaneously bizarre, insanely salty, hyper-sweet, nutty, woodsy, anise-y, and hard to chew with the shells on yet impossible to stop eating.

I think an onmyōji might have cast a spell on the packet.

LaLoo's Rumplemint Goat's Milk Ice Cream

I might have bought LaLoo’s Rumplemint goat’s milk ice cream less because it was lactose-friendly (which, of course, is a great thing for we lactards) than because the name of the company makes me think of this Disney song. And Disney songs are, in general, a good guiding force in anyone’s life. (We all have our metaphorical Kocoums, right, Lisa?)

LaLoo's Rumplemint Goat's Milk Ice Cream

Ridiculous ramblings aside, I was truly surprised by how much I enjoyed LaLoo’s ice cream, particularly as I usually get bored by ice cream around the third spoonful. The fresh mint (rather than fake peppermint, hurrah!) flavour of the ice cream base, combined with its fluffy yet rich texture and the generous scattering of dark (not compound) chocolate, made for a truly refreshing treat on a humid and sticky Washington, D.C. evening.

High Country Wild Root Kombucha

I love kombucha. I drank much kombucha in the U.S. Heck, I even made some myself.

However, I did not enjoy this High Country Wild Root kombucha. It tasted medicinal rather than magical to me, and I was forced to palate-cleanse with two more servings of LaLoo ice cream.

Natural Power-Fu Eggless Vegetarian Chicken Salad

Natural Power-Fu! POWER-FU! It’s natural! And healthy and vegan and eggless and vegetarian and (not-)chicken and salad and all the fonts! POWER-FU!

That is all.

P.S. In case you were wondering, yes, my mind is currently on the frizzy side as a result of the stress of sublet-hunting and looming job-hunting. If only I had more power-fu.