1. If you’re chatting with someone and discover a great many synchronicities in your respective lives, beware when they tell you that their hot water system just broke.
You’re going to go home and discover that your toilet no longer works.
2. If you tweet, hours earlier, that “I have a very strong urge to go home, create an enormous cereal + peanut butter concoction, and curl up on couch with Laura Ingalls Wilder”, the universe is going to seriously misinterpret your desire for pioneer escapism. Said universe will give you a broken toilet and force you to manually flush it with large pots of water drawn from the well in your petticoat and corset while you wait for the johnny cakes to fry and the maple syrup to turn into candy (“Quick, girls! It’s graining!”).
3. If you’re indulging in your beloved weekend past-time of watching a show with your mum on the couch accompanied by coffee, chocolate, and your multi-tasking laptops (so far: The West Wing, Scrubs, Hamish Macbeth, SeaChange [several times], Gilmore Girls, Pride and Prejudice [several times], and now Big Love), and an episode ends with a beautiful rendition of a song that makes you cry, make sure you check the mirror before stopping in at the shops on the way home.
Otherwise, hours later, you’ll discover that the check-out chick wasn’t staring at you because she liked your earrings/hair/necklace. She was staring at you because you had Great Big Smudgy Post-Sob Potentially-Post-Night-Out-Walk-of-Shame-If-You-Were-That-Kind-Of-Girl-Which-You-Aren’t Panda Eyes.
For the story of my Panda and the rye caraway muffins, see here.
But no biggie. It’s not like it was your local Coles across the road at which you always shop or anything. (Sigh.)
4. If you decide to prevent yourself from eating a third of the Peanut Butter Rice Krispie Slice in one night by putting the rest of the batch in the freezer… don’t. You’ll simply discover that the slice is even more delicious frozen, and before you know it two entire rows will be gone.
There will also be a significant dent in your Lindt 85% stash, as a result of making Peanut Butter Rice Krispie Slice Chocolate Sandwiches whilst giggling at Parks and Recreations/averting your eyes from the gory bits of Game of Thrones.
5. Deciding to read a novel in the afternoon instead of cutting up old editions of Gourmet Traveller in a vague attempt to not spend the whole time thinking about food doesn’t always work. To wit:
Her whole body shivered and her face fell apart like a bride’s pie crust. She put it together again slowly, as if lifting a great weight, by sheer will power. The smile came back, with a couple of corners badly bent. (Raymond Chandler, The Big Sleep, p.56)
[The house’s] lights poured like musical notes from its opened windows, and its small frame bulged like a pumpkin. (Joanna Biggar, That Paris Year, p.37)
Details of this utter deliciousness to come. Hopefully soon. More likely eventually.
6. If you, your boss, and your work colleague/friend spend Friday cleaning up the office and pouncing on found items (my boss got a silver leaf plate and Jenni scored a Russian-esque red and gold square hat), including a new chair for yourself, don’t forget on Monday that you’re sitting on a new and different chair.
Otherwise, when you unthinkingly do your lean-to-the-right-brace-against-the-chair-arm-reach-down-to-the-floor-for-the-crazy-strong-Japanese-mints-in-your-handbag manoeuvre, you’ll realise too late that the new chair doesn’t have arms.
And you will fall off your chair onto the floor.
With a crash.
Loudly.
7. Don’t miss your calling in life. Particularly if said calling was to be like Oscar-winning actress Anna Paquin, as proven by this photo of yourself performing the role of Sookie Stackhouse.
(I wonder if anyone besides Lorraine will get this?)
Why yes, this is the other new Cue dress! Well done for noticing!
The End.
Question Time: What advice do you have to pass on to me (and everyone else) this fine day? Heaven knows I need all the help I can get…
