My blog is poised on the brink of becoming a succession of odes to all the magnificent people in my life right now. While I personally want nothing more than to write endless words extolling the virtues of beloved friends, I feel it might be best to break up said words with a snack review intermission.
Mind you, I should probably say “snack showcasing” rather than “snack review”, for I neither bought nor ate any of these processed snacks. I simply saw them on grocery store shelves, burst out laughing, grabbed my camera, and clicked away.
Turns out I do have my junk food limits. Who knew?
Um… aren’t Goldfish crackers fundamentally cheese-based? I’m absolutely positive that even the “Flavor Blasted Blazin’ Buffalo Wing” Goldfish I bought in Charlottesville in 2007 had cheese powder in them.
So I don’t understand these. And even if I do accept, as I suppose I must, that Goldfish crackers now come in sweet flavours, I will never accept that they could taste anything like a vanilla cupcake. Or s’mores. I mean, I know s’mores now.
Dear Goldfish Grahams: No.
Goldfish SpaghettiOs? Canned spaghetti that is… wait, I’m so confused. If these are somehow Goldfish-flavoured, or Goldfish-shaped, then doesn’t that completely contradict the “original” claim? If what we have here isn’t the original product, which we know it isn’t, then it isn’t the original product. You can haz follow my irrefutable logic, Campbell’s?
Also, HOW CAN WE TRUST THAT THIS IS A SAVOURY PRODUCT? We’ve just seen proof that Goldfish crackers aren’t necessarily cheesy anymore. WHAT IF I BUY THESE SPAGHETTIOS AND THEN DISCOVER THAT THEY TASTE LIKE VANILLA CUPCAKES COMBINED WITH HORROR?
I’ll have to use caps lock even more, that’s what.
Dear Campbell’s and Goldfish: No.
More things that aren’t cupcakes purporting to be cupcakes? America, what is wrong with your collective brain-mind? Frosted Red Velvet Pop Tarts and Frosted Confetti Cupcake Pop Tarts. Seriously, what is going on?
The only rational explanation is that the U.S. has been infiltrated by cupcake-loving aliens who have taken control of the processed food industry and are determined to make everything taste like frosted baked goods.
Dear Kellogg’s Pop Tarts: No.
Excuse me while I rest my head on the desk for a wee moment.
Dear Kellogg’s Pop Tarts: Again, no.
Well, if it’s reduced-sugar, then I completely understand the appeal of buying the easiest sandwich to make in the world from the freezer aisle for 7000% more than it would cost at home. After all, it’s really, really, really hard to find whole wheat bread these days, and the effort of cutting crusts off makes my wrists ache.
Dear Smucker’s: No no no no NO NO NO no NO no NO no no no NO NO.
I’m broken. I’m a broken shell of a woman. After everything we’ve just seen, I would absolutely buy this Go Picnic shelf-stable picnic pack of edamame kale dip, plantain chips, fruit roll-ups, trail mix, and a raw chocolate coconut bar.
Never have the words “vegan”, “all natural”, and “premium” written on a cardboard box had such a soothing effect on my soul.
Dear GoPicnic: Yes. But only because I have no will left to fight.