As an Australian, America’s obsession with chain restaurants strikes me as an amusing yet heebie-jeebies-creating novelty.
However, after finding myself seated at Dick’s Last Resort (where the stools had female mannequin legs, the ranch dressing was used to mimic certain bodily fluids, and the waiter yelled at me for taking too long to eat my salad), eating at Chili’s and Denny’s in Cedar City seemed almost like fine dining.
Well, no, not really. But when it’s 11pm and you’re surrounded by friends, beer, and laughter, even chips and pancakes have the potential to feel like Michelin living.
After all, at a Michelin-starred restaurant you’d expect the tostada chips to arrive warm, crisp, and just-fried, right? Well, Chili’s ticked that box. (I ate one of those pots of salsa straight with a spoon, pretending it was a spicy gazpacho. I’m one classy broad, y’all.)
As you can see, Matt was deeply excited about his honey-chipotle chicken crispers. According to reports, the crispers were deceptively spicy. All I know for sure is that the fries I pinched were tasty albeit insanely salty.
I, too, was excited about my dinner of grilled chicken salad with cheese, tomatoes, black beans, corn relish and honey-lime vinaigrette. You’ll note, though, that unlike Matt, I managed to keep my tongue in my mouth.
It’s easier to eat that way.
Another night, Matt, Sam, and I ducked into the nearest Denny’s for some post-show noshing, and in so doing managed to convince Jacob to come along for the ride.
HEY JACOB I MISS YOUR FACE.
And your flouffy Titus Goth outfit.
That is all.
Here you see Matt acting like the king of the castle over his Lumberjack Slam of buttermilk pancakes, grilled ham, bacon strips, sausage links, eggs, hash browns and toast.
If you think I didn’t eat half of his salty crispy hash brown whilst singing “I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay / I sleep all night and I work all day / I cut down trees, I eat my lunch / I go to the lavatory / On Wednesdays I go shopping / and have buttered scones for tea” then you don’t know me at all.
Mmm, pancakes with butter and all the maple syrup. (Served with a side of SamBlur.)
And then two shopping bags-full of coconut milk ice cream, chocolate, nut butters, raw treats, frozen kefir, and bizarre spaghetti made out of tofu.