If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter, you may know that I was in Chicago last week. I promise to write about Chicago soon, but, right now, I can only write what is thrilling inside my soul at this very moment. And my soul is currently in Cedar City, Utah.
Here’s the thing: I left Australia less than two weeks ago, and have already been struggling a little with doubting what I’m doing, with secretly scrambling to justify this freedom I’ve given myself.
Yet in the past two days, all my doubts have swirled away. Because this, right here, these are the moments, the people, and the adventures that I never want to forget, and that I could never have had without leaping into this wide shimmering new life.
Window Reflection Self Portrait the Third!
If I hadn’t made the leap, I couldn’t have stepped off the plane in St George, Utah two mornings ago, and had the memory of a 4am alarm swept away by the stunning landscape and a hug from Mr S*.
Or, after a laughter-filled drive to Cedar City, curled up in bed for a nap, and then had Mr S present me with a pink bike so that we could ride to the grocery store together because he knows I can’t live without a steady supply of vegetables. (I hadn’t ridden a bike in twelve years, but it’s true what they say. Even with a few wobbles, you never forget.)
I want to remember riding a hot pink bike down a busy road that first afternoon, with a friend in front and the shining shadowed red-gold-green mountains of Utah surrounding me, feeling so joyful that I almost couldn’t breathe.
* Previously Mr Hiking in Utah, but that was too many letters and I’m on holiday, y’all.
How many people can say they’ve spent their first night in Utah (or any night anywhere) up in the mountains being led in stargazing by Shakespeare’s Falstaff, a fellow with both professional planetarium knowledge and a laser beam that can reach the sky?
How else could I have spent the witching hours on an air-mattress drinking in the endless glittering expanse of the Milky Way, and learning about Greek mythology, asterisms, and constellations, all whilst twenty musicians, actors, and techies gasped and cheered and heckled and laughed in the sparkling, shining, sparkling night?
How else could I have seen the glories of the Perseid meteor shower, and so many shooting stars that I lost count, shooting stars that were sometimes momentary flashes and sometimes soaring lights that left lasting glimmers in the sky?
I forgot to make any wishes on the shooting stars. Truly, though, what else could I have wished for?
If I hadn’t left Australia, I wouldn’t have arrived back at Mr S’s place at 2:30am after teaching Americans about drop bears and Canberra on the return from stargazing, fallen asleep, woken up at noon to cook breakfast, and then gone back to nap again because thunderstorms stole our sunbathing plans.
How else could I have spent the afternoon meeting new fabulous people, making Flaming Sambuca with coffee beans whilst watching Aladdin with our own commentary (Watch out, behind you! A sentient rug! / No monkey no, don’t touch that! / That rug has intimacy issues. / Tigers are so good at hugs. / The King is really a bit simple, isn’t he?), before joining a bundle of theatre folk and townies to play kickball for hours in the thunder-brewing dusk.
I want to always have the memory of Mr S cooking post-kickball Sunday dinner while I answered the dinner party’s questions about Australia. I want to remember six people sitting around a table with spoons in our hands and my jar of Biscoff Cookie Spread between us, all nodding at each other, wide-eyed:
So good.
SO GOOD.
Sooooo good.
Try it with the marshmallow peanut chocolate ice cream.
So good.
I want to remember talking and laughing and new faces and a different lifestyle and quiet moments and exhilaration and
most of all
I want to remember that,
in this moment,
I am perfectly, exquisitely, perfectly happy.
Good for you, Hannah. I’m so happy for you. And not just for getting on a bike already:) I’m so happy that you’re so happy.
I’m also glad that the word ‘townies’ hasn’t died out – it seems to have disappeared from everyday vernacular in the past decade or so. At least around here. Although I guess we don’t have much for towns, so maybe we don’t have townies either.
Regardless. Happiness abounds. Soak it up, girl! xxoo.
Thank you darling! Your happiness for my happiness makes me even more happy because happiness is magnificent in all the ways.
I’ve been giggling at the word “townies” too. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it used In Real Life before.
You can feel joy radiating from this post. I am so glad you are having the time of your life. That Biscoff is the stuff of dreams, right?
I CAN’T EVEN COPE WITH HOW MAGICAL IT IS. Next time we go to the grocery store (tomorrow, I believe), I’m buying another jar AND a jar of peanut butter and getting both kinds on the one spoon.
What a wonderful adventure. I bought a jar of that biscoff spread in Texas and brought it home- I can fully understand eating it straight from the jar.
I can see that you’re having so much fun! And the bike is awesome!
YAY! This post made me a little teary but then I’ve just seen the Spice Girls performing at the closing ceremony of the Olympics on youtube, so you understand. Meteor showers for you! So important. So glad everything’s going so brilliantly well, sounds like these people are awesome, and there is not much I love more than providing alternative commentary for movies that I’m not engrossed in. Looking forward to the next chapter of your travels! xx
Oooh, you’ve reminded me I need to youtube that! We were having the post-kickball Sunday dinner when it was on (and have no TV).
Thank you for your lovely words, my dear! I’m sure your adventures in New York will suffuse me with souljoy too soon
P.S. One thing, though: never let it be said I’m not engrossed in Disney!
Biscoff Spread!!!!!!!!! O.O omg omg omg I think my heart just skipped a beat!
It is the greatest thing of all time. Or at least of this week.
You sound so happy. That’s great
Ahhh! My smile just widens and widens as I read of how happy you are currently.
I missed the meteor shower, having been sick all week and not able to stay up late. And, you know, that whole light pollution in the city problem.
You are just the loveliest!! Thank you Alayna
Oh my gosh, yes. We drove up into the mountains from a carpark in Cedar City, where we could barely see any stars. As soon as we stepped out of the car at our destination, it was breathtaking. I had completely forgotten how shining the sky can be when there’s no artificial light!
LOL at drop bears!
I can’t wait to get over there and be able to see a zillion stars.
You look so relaxed and happy, and I LOVE that pink bike.
I must keep an eye out for this Biscoff stuff….
As soon as you see the Biscoff spread, buy as much as your arms can hold. You’ll thank me later.
You’re wearing that shirt I love!
Man I wish I had legs like yours, though.
It makes me so happy that you’re so happy.
I can’t wait to see you!
Although I hope I don’t prove to be a big disappointment to you, after all this joy and wonderment!
Aw, thank you darling! I love how you make me feel better about having so few clothes, rather than self-conscious
I can’t wait to see you either!! I think of you every time I reach for the Biscoff (which, let’s be honest, is frequently). There is no chance anything about being with you will be a disappointment. My heart is already dancing at the thought. xo
You bring so much joy to others Hannah I think it is great you are feeling heaps of happiness during your stay in Utah. I hope you enjoy many more sparkling nights there among the people of the mountains.
Thank you Mike, that’s lovely.
i’m so glad you’re having a blast! i’ve never been to chicago or utah and am so jealous of your adventure (including flaming drinks!)
It’s funny how many Americans I meet who tell me I’ve seen more of the US than they have!
agreed – I’m Canadian! I’ve lived in the states for 2 years now. Everything STILL seems new
Yay! Yay for you! That is all.
a wonderful joyful post – and I love your pink bike and the mountains – but most of all I love the smile in your writing and on your face
Thank you Johanna. xo
Oh Hannah,
This just makes my heart sigh in delight because I can feel the happiness from here. You did the right thing. YOU DID GOOD.
And these memories of the starry sky, laughing friends, wonderful food, hot-pink bike will forever be there and the other memories will just fade leaving nothing but this moment of pure joy.
Dearest dear Sig, thank you my darling. Your words = comfort and joy and understanding and thank you.
I’m so glad the doubts have gone; they were always going to try and poke their heads in at some point but this is a great thing you’re doing.
Your posts are always so brilliantly written but this one’s really beautiful and the last sentence, “I am perfectly, exquisitely, perfectly happy.” – says it all, you go girl! xx
Thank you for your gorgeous comment, Eleanor. I’m going to remember your words the next time the doubts try to creep in. xo
Why the guilt? This is your holiday so ‘carpe diem’, Hannah. We are thrilled that you are having such a wow of a time. Keep it up. Enjoying your blogs even if I haven’t written yet – I will though. Love your photos but I have to say, re the bike riding – ‘Didn’t we tell you.’!
I love you Grandma (and Grandpa)!! I’ve been thinking of you often. And yes, you told me! Grandparents are always right
xoxo
You look so happy, and sound so happy, that I am happier than I can say
Those photos of you with the bike, in front of the mountains – they are just incredible. Thank you for showing that it’s possible to fit so beautifully into your niche that everything just falls into place 
This is such a gorgeous comment, Kari, thank you. It’s amazing how life can turn out once you decide to stop trying to control every aspect, and instead let it take you where it will. xoxo
I’ll be up all night wanting to know more about Mr S. And I didn’t know you were on FB. I’ve just given you a like. The holiday sounds to perfect. What amazing and incredible times you’re having xx
Thank you Charlie! I feel pretty awkward about self-promotion, so don’t tend to do a whole lot on Facebook or Twitter.
I’m doing my best to embrace every opportunity right now
Wow you can really feel how happy you are through your words, that’s just fantastic. Cast all your doubts aside and just keep enjoying the ride, real life will be waiting for you soon enough
Thank you Gabby! Well, except for the debbie downer reminder of reality looming ahead
Haha totally didn’t mean to be a downer, just meant there is no need to be questioning things- you are living life and that’s important
Teehee, just teasing you! Truly thank you
What can I say except that it sounds splendiferous…and all near some of the best landscape in the USA. Lovely people, the arts, and great country … What’s not to like?
The fact that I miss you!
Darn! We probably passed each other in the Chicago airport. Hannah, I love the photos of you with the bicycle and the joy is erupting from your writing. Have a wonderful time and send a note if you get close to AZ (wait til it cools down though).
Thank you so much, Tammy!
I like the thought that we might have brushed past each other without noticing
I don’t think I’ve been to Arizona yet, so one day I’d love for it to be on the cards!
So glad you are enjoying yourself! Sounds like you’re have a great time in Utah. How was the meteor shower? I missed it having to work early in the morning (going to bed early and missing it all).
It was stunning, though it was the whole sky, really, with the sparkling Milky Way and shining constellations PLUS the shooting stars that made it so perfect
I’m so happy your doubts have swirled! Be sure to banish them if they crop up again. You are so young, my love, & have every right to not be studying or working like a maniac for some period of time. It just has to be done. And you’re doing it. So enjoy and do not worry. You’re doing it so well. & documenting it for us all to enjoy too! Yay for Utah! I have no idea if Cedar City is near de, I shall google it now
I never tried Biscoff & that makes me sad. More than it probably should.
Heidi xo
Oh my Heidi, your comment could not have come at a more perfect time. Why must my mind/feelings try to trip me up so often! Thank you, beyond words, for your support and encouragement. I will dedicate my next spoonful of Biscoff to your wonderment. xo
Ooo, this all sounds wonderful and magical and amazing! You look and sound so radiant and beautiful. It is truly wonderful.
The doubt will come and go but I think you know in your heart that you are doing what you need to do and that is what matters the most.
I have to say that I am very jealous that you found riding a bike to be true to that old saying because I didn’t! I fell off just trying to get on, not to mention every time I tried to get off. Jeepers, I still fall off getting on some days
Darling, thank you for your wonderful, wonderful comment. It means more than you know. xoxo
Believe you me, there was definitely a bit of wobbling when I first got on! Plus I forgot that brakes exist and didn’t look ahead enough in time to avoid a big kerb, so there were a few scary moments in the parking lot
I am thoroughly enjoying reading about your adventures in the US of A! I am kind of hoping you visit the pacific northwest so I can live vicariously through you…gosh I love it there.
LOVE that photo of you with the pink bike. Beautiful.
Pacific Northwest will be next year, I think. Can you wait that long?
(I’m not sure I can..!)
Thank you, Sarah! Happiness takes away the ugly, I think.
Love the pics of you! And you’re in Utah too where my “adopted mum” Barbara from Barbara Bakes lives-yayyyy!!
Thanks Spay Lady! Oooh, I’ll have to check Barabra out! I wonder where in Utah she is?
Cookie spread? Man the americans got it gooooooood. :L
Plus their “small” coffees are bigger than the biggest we have in Australia. Hilarious.
Oh Hannah, it sounds like you are having a just wonderful, fantabulous time! I’m so glad – you really deserve to be happy (and eat cookie spread!)
Theresa, thank you my dear! Comments such as yours help so much when I’m feeling a little unsettled. xo
Yeah you go girl! Replace those thoughts wit sweet memories~
it’s such a blessing you’re doing that so enjoy it to the fullest. And don’t get me started on biscoffffff! Ah, kimchi! Hehe
Biscoff and kimchi – both delicious, but not a match made in heaven.
I bet you never forget! Love the pink bike, memories like that will never be stolen
OMG I cans’t believe i didn’t add you on facebook
I feel so left out lol I didn’t even know you left Australia OMG i’m so bad so sorry!
Hope you had a safe flight over there and it seems like you’re having an amazing time
SO jealous that you get to buy all those goodies to eat! I’ve never ever had Biscoff do you like it? Is it good
Take care xoox
Bahaha! No worries, I’ve only been gone for two weeks now
The Biscoff spread is INCREDIBLE. Texture of peanut butter, flavour of cookies, heck yeah!
YOu’re all over the place Hannah. Never been to Chicago or Utah – looks like so much fun. Love that pink bike!!! You look so happy
And hell yeah you DO deserve having all the fun you want!! 
Teehee, I’m actually moving around *less* this time; in the past I’ve only stayed in cities for 4-5 days, but I’m in Utah for two weeks this time, then will chill in Kansas City for a similar time.
And thank you Heather! Need to calm my crazy anxious mind sometimes
I can’t say that I’ve ever been to Utah, other than maybe its airport. Where are your travels taking you next??
Not everything is definite, but potentially Monterey-ish area, Kansas City, Atlanta maybe, DC?
This is seriously awesome awesome, all these amazing experiences and wonderfulness and happiness. Also, it appears you’re blogging faster than I can read (though partly perhaps because stupid internet at home isn’t working) but I’m catching up!
My internet at my “home” right now isn’t working either, so we’re in the same boat! Teehee, thank you for reading through! That’s super lovely of you
And I’m sure that lots more happiness will be swinging your way! Xxx
For some reason, I wasn’t able to post comments on your blog (and a few other wordpress ones) the last couple of days so I’m just catching up (hence, this late comment)
Marty and I really want to go to Utah, even though it’s not really a must-go-to destination for most people going to America. To be honest, the initial reason for us wanting to go was because we loved the shoe ‘Big Love’ but I reckon we’d be able to appreciate it for more than just that now. Those mountains are terribly beautiful; Australian ‘mountains’ are just hill in comparison.
Utah is magnificent, Libby … particularly the southern area when Hannah is … Zion, Bryce Canyon and Cedar Breaks are three musts to visit.
Having just spent the day hikin up waterfalls, I can safely say that you must visit. It is gorgeous beyond words here. And although I have yet to meet any of the cast from Big Love, I’m pretty sure the group of 15-20 people trying to squeeze into Chili’s last night were a Mormon family.
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