I thought that, to prove my ever-lasting respect for you as well as my commitment to taking your advice on board, I would step up to the plate and embrace my Ms Whitey-McWhitester Paleface von Alabaster genes. And by “embrace”, I mean “show you whilst making fun of myself”.
Reasons Why You, Too, Should Embrace Being A Whitey-McWhitester Paleface von Alabaster
Exhibit A: July, 2009
You’re handy to have around in a blackout. No need for candles; just ask a Whitey-McWhitester Paleface von Alabaster to wear a singlet top and shorts and everyone will be able to read or play boardgames easily.
Exhibit B: January, 2009
In line with the basic principle of schadenfreude (woot Avenue Q!), your tanned friends will love to hang out with you because they know it makes them look more golden.
Exhibit C: May, 2009
If you’re into table settings and interior design, you can almost always match the dinnerware.
Exhibit D: June, 2009
Two Whitey-McWhitester Paleface von Alabasters are better than one.
Exhibit E: April, 2011
When you combine your pale tones with creepy-looking hands, you can totally pass as an alien. It’s annoying when moths are attracted to you at night, though.
Exhibit F: June, 2011
WHAT THE WHAT I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW I CAN BE THIS WHITE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD LOOK AT THE PEOPLE BEHIND ME GRZZLESWAMPGRR!
Wait. Calm. Embrace the pale. Embrace the 19th century aesthetic. Calm.
Question Time: If you were an alien, what would your alien superpower be?
P.S. Apologies for my silence in the blogosphere this weekend. I’ve prescheduled this post, as Saturday night is my gospel choir’s final concert at which I’m performing a solo, and Sunday is entirely about a friend’s wedding. See you on the other side!
{ 61 comments… read them below or add one }
Power to the pale, my long lost trans-Pacific sister. I’d rather have pale skin than look like a wrinkled up prune at 35. My obsessive sunblock usage has left my 31-year-old self often being asked where I want to go to university.
Boom.
As delicious, as prunes are, I second your boom.
BOOM. Unfortunately I think my being taken for a teenager has less to do with skin and more to do with singing and dancing like a crazylady in public fairly often.
I have that same jacket as your brother and thought that first picture was of you and I. It’s a little creepy.
It’s even creepier that you have the same first name as Hannah’s brother!
Oh I know. This has been weirding me out ever since the very first time I read not-brother-Evan’s blog.
Also…. SQUEE! I heart that you commented!
xo
Evan, the number of times I’ve thought “What’s my brother doing in America?” for a split second whilst reading your posts… *shakes head*
Though if you were to come visit me with that jacket, it wouldn’t be the worst thing. Please bring delicious raw chocolate truffle cakes.
I love you for using the word Schadenfreude.
Probably the most epic (and stark) examples of my own paleness are in this post…so I relate. <3
Good luck at your concert (er, I guess it probably already happened, but good luck in retrospect?) and have a lovely time at the wedding. Gather cool wedding ideas for me, k?
Most people would look white as a ghost next to the golden and glorious Ms. Phyo. You give porcelain a good name, keep on representing we pallid folk with gusto!
Haha, thanks! I think Mr. Kenney was even more tan than Ani in those photos…but that’s fine by me, I take care to stay “porcelain” on purpose!
Let’s hear it for pale-girl solidarity
I’m loving your juxtaposition of “pallid” with “gusto” right here. I feel those two aren’t often in the same sentence, but we prove it’s possible, woot!
I knew you would, my precious German bumblebee.
Oh yes. I did just call you that. That’s just the kind of special lovin’ you can look forward to with talisman.
I haven’t looked at the link yet, but I’m almost positive you’re referring to the one with Ani Phyo? Bahaha! Yes! Nailed it! I was so proud of your alabasterness in that post
Thanks love! I think my dad recorded my solo, so if it’s come out okay…. Also, the wedding? It was gorgeous, but I might DM you
Precious German bumblebee? I love it! Talisman!
Hannah, maybe you didn’t know this about yourself, but you’re gorgeous. I too always look blindingly white in photographs though I promise I don’t have the same affect in real life. I’m very happy to be beyond the pale though if it means I’ll less likely be dealing with skin cancer and premature wrinkles later in life. In 20 years you will be guffawing with schadenfreude at the misfortune of those that tanned before you!
Oh, Alayna! *hides face behind hands* Thank you. I can’t even begin to say how many times I almost deleted this post, on account of feeling there was far far far far too much of my face involved. So thank you *hugs*
Teehee! I look forward to such schadenfreude guffawing with you in the future
I feel you, pale sister!
It’s funny, when my parents came to visit me in Perth from the US for the first time, they were shocked that everyone was so pale in Australia. I was like, “what do you expect? There’s more people with British, Scottish and Irish ancestry than anything else.” It was like that had never occurred to my mother. Odd. So anyway, my point is that I think there are a lot of us pale folks in Oz. Some of us are just smart enough to stay that way, rather than getting a tan!
You make a very, very good point there, Sarah! After all, I myself am part-English convict
(I think I’m more proud of that than I should be.) High five for staying a palester along with me, Sarah! And thank you for reading 
I don’t think I’ve had pale skin ever in my life, like not even when I was a newborn. But I think your skin is just gorgeous, and I wish sometimes for porcelain like yours!
I think your golden-ness just proves you were born to live in Queensland for some of your life, Theresa! I’d have a heckuva time not being Hannah Wayfaring Lobster 24/7 if I was up there
Can’t say I’ve ever had the pale problem (sorry just rubbing in the fact I have a PERMANENT TAN all year round
), but I do feel for you for being considered out of the ‘norm’.
You are gorgeous and remember this – if you were in India, they’d think you were the hottest woman around. There – more pale = goddamn she’s smokin’!
Embrace the gothic-19th-century-maiden look – they do say vampires are hot right now
(Kidding! Kidding! ok, don’t bite me 
)
*sticks out tongue* Wait, I retract that! High five for being unique amidst the mainstream
Oooh, really?? Darling, I’ve gotsta get me to India!
If you compare me to Bella, ever, I won’t bite you. I’ll just smack you upside your head.
But hey, if it means I get to sparkle…
It’s a-ok, I’ve seen far whiter people! I think you have a nice skin tone
I know this girl who is so white, her skin even burns through her clothes when she’s in the sun…
Holy moly! That’s insane! Does she have to wear really heavy material?! Also… were you just on a cruise? #superenvious
Ooh, good like for the concert and solo!! Very exciting
And enjoy the wedding too for that matter 
I love your photo tour through alabaster beauty. I have only one thing to add: the only time to not embrace paleness is when a camera with a flash is aiming at you and a group of non-pale people. The consequences are extreme. This is one of many reasons I now view camera flashes as evil!
Thank you Kari! Both concert and wedding were lovelylovely
Ah, maybe that was what happened in the last photo then? The flash? Seriously, when I first saw that shot I laughed and laughed and laughed. Ghost much?
Alien superpower? Probably something entirely boring like making cash come out of the ATM whenever I put in my card. Or a house clean in five minutes. I know boring, but wow!
Oh Catherine, that house one? COUNT ME IN. *shudders*
(Particularly because all my vacuum cleaner does is create dust bunnies and then push them around the carpet.)
Oh paleface! Yellow fast hands here applauds your ability to laugh at yourself… Listen to the wind
Dearest Yellow Fasthands, it’s always important to laugh, because I know every rock and tree and creature has a life, has a spirit, has a name
As a fellow pale face, I differ in that I’m blonde so have suffered more than my fair share of blonde jokes and, unlike your tiny hands, I have ET-length fingers that should have seen me become a famous pianist instead of an obscure, um, admin/writer/mother/chocolate inhaler.
Alien power? To have every single gram of chocolate imbibed make me automatically smarter *and* able to zap away every single item of litter when spied with my very own alien eyes.
Speaking of eyes – mine are snot green which, in a raw scone dough-coloured face – just make me look like Humpty Dumpty’s less-slim sister!
Oooh, litter-zapping! I like that one. I got *so* mad in the car yesterday, driving to Sydney with my parents, when we stopped at some lights after getting off the freeway to go through Campbelltown, and I saw all these McD’s cups and Coke bottles thrown on the grass near the lights. For heaven’s sake, why are people such rude little pigs?! *breathes. breathes*
*laughs* I, too, have green eyes that can turn from pleasantly-green to illness-green from day-to-day! Life’s a trial sometimes…
Aliens get superpowers now? Humpf; aliens get all of the cool stuff.
I’ve always dreamt that I could glide. Not fly, just glide. I’d jump off of things and then soar around, until I eventually ran out of height. I could also run and jump and, provided that there was at least a bit of a down-slope to the ground, pick up a little bit of altitude and glide for a way. Ok, so it might be a bit lame as an alien superpower, with not a whole lot of “super” involved, but it’s an ability that’s been turning up in my dreams since I was just a young lad and it’s always felt so amazing… diving only to have the air catch you, the ground zipping past below as you float along, completely carefree… *happy-daydream-sigh*
P.S. You’re a fair-skinned beauty, dear maiden, and there sure ain’t anything wrong with that!
Andres, I’m pretty sure being a human who can glide would be pretty “super”, so don’t you give up on your dreams now! You’re a scientist; make it happen.
Actually, reading on, I’ve come to “It’s always felt so amazing”. Not “I imagine it would feel so amazing”, but “Yes I have mastered the art of the human glide and it felt amazing”. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Aw, thanks!
I’ve made sure not to make friends with overly tan people.
Just kidding, kind of…. I just don’t know any:)
Hope your weekend has been tops!
Teehee, methinks that you forest-dwellers aren’t overly likely to be tanned
You take care of yourself, lady! Lots of rest and happiness-foods and calm-drinks! 
x
Greetings from a seriously-older paleface. Revel in your alabaster status, you will look younger longer and annoy ever so many sunworshipping goddesses.
*laughs* One can only hope! Actually, scratch that, one can only trust in the words of a wiser paleface
I have more than a bit of von alabaster going on myself- even if it was somewhat besmirched by my Australian childhood in the pre slip-slop-slap era. I must admit to giggling out loud to the notion of moths swarming!
I really, really wish I was joking about that. But last year in Summer, living in this super hot apartment, I honestly had tiny moths land on my back and shoulders.
I thought I was the whitest person around – till I met my boyfriend. He burns even faster than me in the sun. God help any children we may have, I fear they may be translucent!
My alien power would be to be like a chameleon and blend into the background. Of course if the wall is white I already do this.
*giggles* Or maybe they’ll do that crazy genetic-switch thing and come out as bronzed as a polished gold medal?
I am, of course, making “that crazy genetic-switch” thing up, but still. It could happen. *nods sagely*
I love your alien superpower idea, except for the fact that I now have the “Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon….” song stuck in my head.
great lily white hilarity – you look a little goth in that top photo – in an elegant sort of way! One of my friends once used to boast that he spent all summer with no more than 5 minutes in the sunlight at a time – always amused me – much more fun that slathering yourself with coconut oil and basting like a turkey. Hope you had a great weekend – sounds busy but lots of fun!
An elegant goth… I could live with that, as long as I don’t have to actually wear black all the time or paint tears on my face. Hey, was your friend Spike from Buffy, by any chance?
Thank you Johanna! Weekend was great but incredibly exhausting and I think my immune system is complaining to me about it now!
Hilarious, love this post! I’m a full-on Whitey-McWhitester Paleface von Alabaster (the Jones side of the family) and proud, kind of… the only thing that worries me is if I get my legs out in summer and there’s the risk of blinding passing drivers…
I love that halter-neck dress with the wooden neck; you look gorgeous
Thank you Eleanor! Teehee, would you believe I got that halter top in Miami?! I.e. one of the main places in this world where we Whitey-McWhitester Paleface von Alabsters couldn’t even hope to blend in
The world is always a better place when you can laugh at yourself.
If I was an alien….hell – teleporting. I choose that power everytime. Imagine, no airports or long flights
Amen, sister. And oh heavens, yes. Love the travel, hate the flights… When you figure out that superpower, please also figure out how to share it with me
If you were in China, they would love you
Find it so weird going back to Asia and seeing skin whitening lotions everywhere!
ANd I would love to be able to teleport. Can you imagine popping over to Vietnam for some awesome Bun Bo Hue for dinner, before making your way to Paris for some macarons for dessert?!
Oh, I want to go to China!
But, actually, my freckles might ruin it for them?
Dear lord yes. That would be amazing. Except I’d choose Japan for amazing fresh tofu and zaru soba, and then Paris for several Mont Blancs in a row
We always ask superpower questions. I suggested to hubby that he might be the google superhero like he could answer anything because he could look up the internet in his mind. He shot me down QUICKLY. Apparently that was a really lame idea
*laughs* Was this before or after he suggested your mother’s maiden name for the ransom question? Because I think you’re about even, after that
This cracked me up! I’m a tenacious tanner myself (out in sun for 5 minutes… bronzed up for the next 5 months… something to do with Russian peasant stock I think) but the point is, we must embrace what we got, regardless of the David Jones ‘beauty experts’ of this world!
Oh, and I’m loving that green smoothie recipe! Thanks!
Catherine @ The Spring (in Brisbane)
p.s. such a pleasure to have stumbled across your super-fun blog!
Thank you so much, Catherine! I’m so thrilled that you like my blog
And absolutely, we should all embrace what we are naturally, because that’s always going to be how we’re most beautiful and happy with ourselves 
I’ve always wanted to fly. Predictable answer yet nevertheless super cool! I think it’s great that people are embracing the beauty that is Alabaster skin these days. Far better than orange. dirty. snooki poo. (I did it again… I hope that’s ok)
Heidi xo
Heidi, I’ve been sitting here for three minutes trying to decide whether I can get away with saying “Even poo sounds sweet when it comes from your mouth”… but I don’t think I can. I really don’t think I can say that.
Except I just did.
Flying would, indeed, be wonderful!
Ahahahahaha!!!! Best. Funniest thing I’ve read/heard/seen all day. Thanks
xo
You just let me know whenever you need some poo talk to lighten your day, and I’ll be there for you just as you’ve been there for me. xo
“WHAT THE WHAT” <— 30 Rock reference 30 Rock reference ahh!! I say that too Liz Lemon is hilarious. And I love how Jack Donaghy sometimes go, "Good GOD, Lemon!" to her hahaha… Anyway, this post cracked me up. Reasons in Exhibits A and C were my favourite hahaha… You're so "practical" to be around, Hans. For black out emergencies and matching tableware. What would we do without you?! ;p
Oh my gosh, is that where I got that phrase from? Bahaha! 30 Rock is inside my brain, controlling my thoughts!
Teehee, I’m so glad this cracked you up! But seriously, next time there’s a thunderstorm warning, don’t stock up on candles. Just buy me a plane ticket
You are hilarious and awesome and make me feel better about my glowing self. It’s not so much the paleness anymore – I’ve quite accepted it – it’s more the reflectivity and the way that as soon as I put on blusher, sorely needed blusher to stop me looking like I’ve just been defrosted, I suddenly appear to be an extra from the Lovely Ladies number in Les Mis. Pale ladies unite!
Long time short time, any time, my dear, cost a little extra if you want to take all year!
Uh… let’s hope we both avoid such Lovely Lady antics forever and ever amen. I’d take being Master of the House over that, but in truth have always associated with Eponine
Also… HUZZAH! I don’t think you quite could know how exhilarating it is to read that this post gives you inner-self-glowingness to match your outer-glowingness
