Once upon a time, there was a blogger who had never really seriously dreamed of being a princess, but who was nevertheless determined to stop casting herself in the role of a troll.
Who’s that trip-tripping over my bridge?
Grrr! Roar! Frangmozzle! Roar!
One day, this blogger used her magical telepathic woodland animal friends (who live inside her Kodajone phone) to ask for the company of her dazzling, dancing, coffee-making friend on a Sunday morning adventure. This dazzling, dancing, coffee-making friend, you see, had a secret key.
A secret key/membership card to the magical wonderland of Costco.
What happened after that was an emotional rollercoaster of rollercoastering emotions.
At first, Costco created sadness. Sadness at seeing endless packets of shelf-stable meat. Sadness at a shelf-stable meat that you hate for its tendency to, in your prior life as a casual cafe worker cooking bacon and egg rolls for hours every Saturday morning, infest your hair/skin/clothes with its aroma.
Sadness at the realisation that if this is “real” crumbled bacon, then there must also be “fake” crumbled bacon. Although, come to think of it, maybe fake bacon wouldn’t have left me with such traumatised high-school-job memories?
Black and white. Because it’s artistic.
Happiness! Oh, happiness! All [real or fake] bacon sadness was forgotten as I desperately tried to pull every jar of Poppycock from the Poppycock Tower into my arms, cheered on by passing strangers.
(No, really. Two strangers applauded.)
Then it was back to abject misery, as my feeble mind tried to comprehend the horror that is the phrase “meat soak pads”.
Soaking meat. Moist raw meat. Pads. Sanitary napkins. Meat. Meat soak pads.
This still gives me nightmares.
Thank heavens for “The World’s Softest Socks”, which drew my mind away from meat-bodily-fluids-horror to a place of soft, soft fabric wonderment.
Dazzling, dancing, coffee-making friend loves cheese!
Wheels of cheese!
And, ultimately, I love Costco.
Because it gives me this:
Question Time: Have you been to Costco? Did it also mess with your mind and your emotions?
P.S. First, second, and third person all in the one post. That’s got to be a record.
I. LOVE. The Poppycock photo.
I live right next door to a Costco. Literally, it’s right across the street. Come shop with meeeeeee!
I want to do EVERYTHING with you.
And yes, world, I do mean that.
I’ve been to Costco a couple of times, but always find myself turned off by the bulk of things!!
I must admit, I did turn to Jenni at one point and say “I know this is antithetical to the point, but I wish some of this stuff came in smaller packages…” Living and cooking just for me limits bulk-handiness!
In high school, my at-the-time boyfriend adopted a pet toad he found outside somewhere. We named it Costco.
As the days and weeks passed, Costco developed fuzzy rash wart things and lost the big box-gleam that had once possessed his fiery, world domination-fueled eyes. He quit loving life, and all because I had never been to a real Costco and didn’t know that I should have bought him a meat soak pad for his little toad lair.
I think we let him go before his untimely death, so that he could return to nature and pass away in peace. If I were to ever get stuck inside a Costco, I could only wish for the same fate.
That is such an incredibly sad story. Well, except that I’m glad the toad died, because cane toads are the scourge of Australia. Or one of them, anyway. Tony Abbott’s another…
But you wouldn’t really want to die in Costco, would you? You could live off of Medjool dates stuffed with Marcona almonds! Nom nom nom!
There’s fake meat so surely fake bacon must exist. I don’t know what Costco is but they certainly have an interesting range
Hmm, I was thinking in a more obscure-gross sense than vegetarian-style fake bacon, which certainly does exist at my local Coles. Costco is a massive grocery/homewares store where ‘most everything comes in bulk. Or something. I don’t really know how to describe it either!
Never been or seen a Costco but the ones in the States sell Vitamixes so I guess that is a good thing. Gosh Hanns I never tire of your story telling. I honestly laugh out at my computer. Love you xx
Aw, thank you Rob! That means so much xoxox
P.S. I checked – no Vitas here! And even the Kitchen Aids were still $600.
I have a membership to costco. To be honest, for the most part, I only go there to buy wine/beer and peanut butter. Lots and lots of peanut butter. Sometimes I buy toilet paper and paper towels too because, well, you can just never have too much of that stuff. Oh and did I mention the samples?
Is it bad for me to admit that I don’t like Costco’s peanut butter? I bought one of its massive jars of Skippy at Melbourne last year, and ended up throwing half of it out…
And we don’t get samples at ours! BOO!
I havent. I have been making a stand as apparently they wont let you in unless you are a member. But I dont know whether I want to become a member until I have been in and looked around?!ugh
That’s why you find a friend with a membership card, like I did! Every member can take in two non-members. I know for a fact that Lizzi has one… we three should have a Costco date
I love the adorable poses you make! I think just photographing you walking down the street would be highly entertaining! I mean that in a good way of course – your facial features are so expressive.
I still have lots of food at home from my Costco trip – I feel like going again but I can’t eat the food quickly enough!
My favourite purchase was a bag of Brookfarm Walkabout Mix Bt Bogong. It consists of nuts, dried fruit and tiny buds of delicious chocolate. They cleverly even sprinkled a little sea salt in there. Everything in it was just so fresh – I hadn’t had pistachios for a long time and the ones in there are juicy and divine!
I’ll probably ask a friend to get me a bag the next time she’s there.
Poppycock means nonsense doesn’t it? Well, I believe we all need a little nonsense in our lives every now and then.
Bahaha, you’re just saying that because you know I have conversations in my head when I’m walking and pull all the associated-expressive faces as I go… Oh, and you know I sing as I walk too.
I know, I actually *still* have almonds from my December trip to Costco! The bulk aspect isn’t actually that great when you live/cook alone, like me. I did see that Brookfarm trail mix, and my mother once put it in my Christmas stocking… but I think I like the almond crunch better
And yep, poppycock is nonsense! Don’t worry, I’ll keep bringing that into our lives here
Nope haven’t been. The one in Melbourne is just SO. FAR.AWAY.
But I’m with Lisa on this – don’t know if I want to be a member without having a look around but they won’t let you in unless you are. Sucks balls.
BUT – that pic of you and your tower of Poppy-cocks has me teetering on giving them a chance again. Loved the story (I can only imagine the horror of meat soak pads. What ARE they??!! WHAT ARE THEY??!!)
Yes, I think Agnes and I had to take two whole trains, or a train and tram, when we went from Central! It’s a fair drive for us here in Canberra too. And as I said to Lisa, you just need to find someone with a membership card to take you, like I did
I DON’T KNOW WHAT MEAT SOAK PADS ARE AND I DON’T WANT TO KNOW EVER EVER EVER EVER.
Hahaha… meat soak pads! The way you wrote the whole story sent me into conniptions! :p
Don’t connipt too hard, Bryan, or I might have to put a meat soak pad under you for sterilisation purposes.
Cant wait to visit Costco!!!
I LOVE POPPYCOCK CARAMEL CORN!
We don’t have a membership to Costco but some family friends do and whenever they come over they bring a can (or like last weekend, two!) And I proceed to devour half of one can in 2 days…oops….
Costco just fascinates me personally, it’s so bizarre seeing things like… enormous-ized!
Poppycock is quite possibly one of the best things in the world. Fact. I know, in my heart, that Poppycock is what will always lead me to return to Costco, even when I know my arteries forbid it.
I SO want to go to Costco! It’s non-existence in WA is something that makes me very sad, especially as my partner subscribes to Choice, and they always talk about it. Those meat pads might almost have put me off though, if it wasn’t for your final glorious picture. Enjoy!!
The glory of cheap Medjool dates outweighs even the horrors of meat soak pads in my mind. But wait, doesn’t WA have frozen yoghurt? Because that beats Costco FOREVER.
That is true. Now I don’t feel so bad
(But imagine the wonders of having both…!)
But we’re women of the 21st century. Aren’t we supposed to have realised that we can’t have it all?
I have been trying to justify not buying a Costco membership because I don’t need it, but people keep raving about its wonderfulness. I feel I will succumb, probably soon.
Then do what I do and just make friends with people with membership cards
Oh I’ve not been to the Sydney one yet
Im waiting for the hype to die down – in like 2015 lol. Maybe not even then
To be honest, you can survive without it. ‘Specially in Sydney, because you have Adriano Zumbo. Adriano Zumbo > Costco.
OMG, costco is there now too! Insane, that place is everywhere now. To be honest, I’m not a costco shopper or fan. We bought a membership once, over ten years ago, and never bought a single thing there. Oh well.
I wish it was Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s that had come instead. Then I really WOULD be excited, rather than using the opportunity to create a story for the blog (shhh)
heheh the pictures are so funnny! So cute.
I do like costco but only get a fewwww essentials. At first, I was like, what the heck?!!! what is this warehouse?! B/c in argentina there is no such thing as mass purchase like costco offers. So I was quite confused 
I don’t think Australia’s ever had something of this kind either. I desperately wish it was Whole Foods that has come to Australia instead though!
You look so seriously cool in that outfit! Love it.
I must say I have yet to go to Costco even after hearing about all the bargains! I’m a little intrigued about those cherries that you’ve been talking about now.
The cherries are crazypants good. Just tart enough to taste of real sour cherries and not solid sugar. They make a great topping for peanut butter toast too
I meant the ridiculously cool pigeon-toed pose in your uggs just like the one in your blog header. Might not be Gucci alone, better watch out for Versace too!
Why bother kowtowing to the established fashion houses, come to think of it? I shall create my own fashion-slash-model mecca!
… And it shall be called Pigeon Chocolate.
Never been there but I am more frightened than enthused – had to google poppycock – great name! I am in awe of your range of emotions in your photos – now that is talent
It’s just such a shame I never applied for NIDA!
… Or Clown School.
I only ever got as far as the entrance and was then put off by having to pay sixty bucks *just for a look*. Surely the first visit could be free?
Meat pads – ~shudder~ – there goes my sleep tonight!
I hadn’t realised how much of an issue the membership card thingy is, as I’ve always just gone with friends who have the cards!
Oooh, meat pads! Maybe that’s the other product in your Swiss mince, Kath!
Haha we wanted to go there on the weekend but then we drove there and then saw the queue and promptly kept driving!
Oh, has it just opened in Sydney too? You’d best plan another trip to Canberra then, my best Spy Lady, ’cause I bet our queues are nothing compared to Sydney’s
I loved this post! Hilarious. Can’t wait to check it out.
Aw, thank you!
Aaaahhhh POPPYCOCK!!! That is AHMUHZING!!!!!!!! Hee hee hee… I haven’t signed up to Costco yet (will you still be my friend?) Hahaha
S’cool, I don’t need you to be my Melbourne Costco Buddy. I’ve got Agnes for that
POPPYCOCK, you rake sway angle babe!!
P.S. Hope you’re feeling better xoxo
I can go. It’s my dream and nightmare.
I miss you
I miss you too! I haven’t been back to Beyond Q since you left. It’s not the same
I love Costco. We go every couple of months. I would have bought two packages of the bacon.
our Costco has samples and it’s been a great way to get J-Man to try new things. My husband is obsessed with the Kirkland trail mix.
Feel free to come to Australia and buy all our bacon packages too, Christine! I’ll ever throw in a complimentary giant box of meat soak pads.
Gah, you’re the third American who’s taunted me with your anecdotes of samples! I cry!
P.S. I haven’t seen a Kirkland trail mix at ours, only the Brookfarm one. What’s in the Kirkland kind?
It’s pretty good — almonds, peanuts, cashews, M&M’s, and raisins.
Sounded lovely right up until the icky squidgy raisins
Where’s my almond crunch is all I can say.
Where’s my pony?
I don’t know, where did you last see it?
In your backyard with a ribbon around it?
1) What the heck is Poppycock?! It sure is fun(-ny) to say! 2) We have a Costco here in Omaha, but I have never seen the meat pads you speak of (vomit). 3) Yes, of course fake bacon exists! Don’t you have Bac’n Pieces in Australia (which we call Bacon Bits, even though that’s not the correct name)? Very popular salad topper here in the states. Tastes like bacon but alas – safe for pig-lovers like me!
1) Poppycock is your country’s invention, m’dear! Caramel popcorn with pecans and almonds. Also known as crack.
But in Australia, “poppycock” also means “nonsense!” Does it mean that in America too?
2) No fair. You get samples, we get meat pads.
3) *shudder* I’ve never eaten Bacon Bits, but they probably do exist. I think I remember seeing them in a bowl at Sizzlers once, but that would’ve been 15 years ago now…
Love. Costco/bulk warehouses are prettyyyyyy epic!
Whole Foods is better. I cry.
We don’t have Costco over here, but I know the unsettling powers of supermarkets. I tend to avoid those aisles.
Which aisles unsettle you?
Honestly? The candy and cookie aisles. They still unsettle me because I have such a sweet tooth.
Other aisles just annoy me, like the dairy and pasta section. And some aisles make me sad, such as the ones that are filled with organic produce of which I can’t eat the most because it involves whole grains that are stuffed with gluten, or soy products.
And after all that unsettling and sadness, here’s what I like: the veg and fruit department. The tea aisle.
The ones where I can get nuts and legumes and brown rice (which I eat from time to time, and I like to discover new varieties). The section with frozen fish and seafood. The wine aisle. 
And although I love my chicken, I don’t like the section where I get it so much because all that meat is a little creeps. 
Bahaha! After you first comment, I was about to say “Is there anything left?!”
Thanks heavens there’s still some tastiness left for you in this world. 
I adore the way you write girl! You are freakin hilarious!!
So glad about the fam situation improving. Cheering you and your good Costco going self on! Xx
Aw, thank you so much Casey! This comment lit up my afternoon
Love love love Costco. And yes, It inspires almost as much horror as delight. Does anybody REALLY need that much (fill in the blank)? This post fills me with happiness at seeing your Costco bounty, and sadness that I can’t get that stuff here. (I could probably make my own poppycock, but it’s kind of a hassle.) But I also know how cheap that maple syrup and dried cherries were. was? Oh, that’s a tough one.
The “Does anybody REALLY need that much (fill in the blank)?” question becomes even more pertinent/common when you’re shopping in Costco just for you. Was I attracted to the Sour Coca Cola gummies? Yes. Did I want a kilo of them, just for me? No.
I’ve never even made popcorn, so poppycock is far over my head! You know you could do it with your eyes closed, though.
I only managed a very brief Costco visit in Houston. Will have to try one here at one stage. Who doesn’t love litre bottles of maple syrup?
Exactly, my friend. Exactly. Maple syrup is like the crowning glory of everything it’s pared with.
Oh no, Hannah! The Costco maple syrup isn’t worth the buy – sadly you now have almost a litre to get through.
And Poppycock ftw.
Oh god, no, really? That makes me cry inside! I’ll have to find a cake that uses a bucketload of it or something.
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