The more dessert-focused among you might’ve noticed that my chocolate reviews have been few and far between of late. There is a reason for that.
I’ve decided to give up chocolate.
Gross and brown.
Gross and brown and made of puppy dog’s tails.
Happy April Fourth Fool’s Day!
Gosh, I’m so clever sometimes.
The real reason behind the dearth of chocolate is easy to ascertain: life tumultousness. Recently, my chocolate consumption has shifted from serious contemplative note-taking sessions to handfuls of Ghirardelli Bittersweet straight from the bag. To amend for my naughty, naughty ways, I’ve decided to give you two chocolate reviews today. Ta-daa!
Cadbury Dairy Milk White Bubbly
If this chocolate was a puppy, I’d call it Lame.
If this chocolate was a flower, its genus would be Insipidus.
If this chocolate was a spy, its name would be El Sneaky Boringfoot.
If this chocolate was an ingredients label, it would read Sugar, Milk, and Essence of Cocoa.
If this chocolate was a friend, you’d not invite it to your birthday party.
In case you’re wondering, this isn’t another belated April Fool’s prank. I’d love to get passionate and tear this chocolate a new one, but it’s not worth the effort. This Cadbury Dairy Milk White Bubbly tastes like condensed milk and Kinder Surprise chocolate; it has a hint of tangy yoghurt and toffee but mostly is just sickeningly sweet. This is the kind of chocolate that makes me think I could easily become a full-time vegan.
Oh, and the “Bubbly” aspect? Such a disappointment. The texture isn’t light or airy, it seems stale and crumbly. That’s about all I can bring myself to say about this sad, boring, and throat-searingly sweet piece of confectionary.
Alter Eco Dark Chocolate Blackout Intense Cocoa Powder
Thank heavens for super-dark, fairtrade, organic, vegan, high cacao, ethical, and more importantly deeply deliciously deeply deliciously chocolate-y chocolate.
This bar was given to me by the Bollywood, Yoga, and Burlesque Queen Li, whom you’ve seen previously at this masquerade ball. Li gave me Alter Eco’s Blackout chocolate completely out-of-the-blue one day, simply because she’d read about my plight with the weevils and how I’d had to throw out 900g of infested chocolate. As another point in her favour, she’s convinced me to join her for one of the three aforementioned activities this Saturday…
The aroma of this chocolate is strong in red fruit, with raspberry and red currant hinting at sourness before transitioning to pineapple and natural yoghurt. Luckily, the taste of this chocolate is far rounder and deeper than the aroma implies, with a host of complex flavours tripping over one another as the chocolate melts like butter on your tongue.
I caught hints of clotted cream, burnt coffee, lemon, redcurrant jelly, honey, a hint of brown sugar, and an overwhelming taste of… coolness. Not coolness as in [insert your favourite rockstar] coolness, but the coolness and darkness of a cave. Seriously. This chocolate, in its barely-sweet-yet-richly-cocoa-y-glory, tastes like the feeling of walking through the Jenolan Caves, with their quiet and mist and earthiness and rock formations and seriously people I’m not joking will you please stop laughing at me okay?
There! All done! Haven’t you missed my chocolate ramblings terribly?