I’ve found it really hard to write this post. I’m scared of:
- Boring you
- Sounding vain
- Offending someone
- Being laughed at for thinking anyone would be interested in hearing this
- Being laughed at for finding these past few weeks emotionally upheavalling
- Being laughed at for making up the word “upheavalling”
- Boring you
In fact, I was half-planning to sneakily bombard you with lots of chocolate and cooking and make you forget I ever mentioned the life dilemmas and upheavalling (oops, did it again). But then a lovely reader emailed me requesting that I explain it all, and so here I am. Explaining the upheavalling.
Honestly, though, feel free to skip this lengthy tale and come back next post for deliciousness. I really won’t mind.
Disclaimer: All of the decisions I’ve made in recent weeks relate to what is right for me at this point in my life. I wholeheartedly applaud anyone who has, or would have, made the other choice in my situation. In fact, these decisions were so hard for me because I either wanted, or wanted to want, both options. And who knows? In future I might decide to have a go at the other choice. But for now, this feels right.
Once upon a time, I was born. After deciding not to listen to my mum when she asked me to stay three years old forever, I went to school.
At school, I did really well. I worked hard and enjoyed studying, but I always felt a bit guilty about my results, as if I didn’t truly deserve them. At the same time, I became terrified of “failing”, which to me meant not getting the highest marks. As the years passed, I started to see my academic success as the only aspect of me that was worth anything. Oddly enough, though, I remained embarrassed about doing so well. I can’t help thinking of my college awards ceremony, when my UAI and being Dux of the school were announced. My parents videotaped the ceremony, and I now can’t bear watching it. I look like I want to disappear into nothingness, and I still remember the feeling of complete shock when I stood on stage and people not only clapped, but cheered for me. I couldn’t believe people even knew who I was.
It only made sense, as I made my way through a university research degree that required a High Distinction average then found myself at the end of my Honours year with a university medal in my hands, that I would move straight into a PhD. To be honest, I did mean to take a year off and work, but my toe surgery got in the way and I instead found myself offered a mid-year PhD entry in 2010, complete with scholarship.
I said yes, because in my head academia and I were inextricable. I knew that I would wake up one day and be enthusiastic and happy about starting my eighteenth consecutive year of study.
There were, of course, moments when I thought I had made the right choice. Moments such as chatting with my wonderful supervisor, or teaching and laughing with my first year Sociology students. Increasingly, though, I was waking up with a sinking feeling in my stomach, no matter how many times I went to sleep desperately thinking “tomorrow will be the day it starts to feel right; tomorrow, tomorrow, I will be happy”.
I kept batting away the feeling of wrongness, because I couldn’t understand why it existed. I felt like all my life had been leading down this path, this path where I fit, where I was accepted and wanted, and I couldn’t accept that I didn’t want to be on it.
Photo courtesy of Brent Goldspring
Then one Saturday, I joined a gospel choir, and the joy I felt whilst singing brought into stark relief the absence of joy in my daily life. That night, I called my mum at midnight, and – oh dear, you have complete permission to laugh at me here, for I’m laughing at me too – wailed into the phone “But if I stop the PhD, I won’t be special anymore!”
Mum told me I was being ridiculous; I finally allowed myself to admit the unhappiness and guilt I’d been feeling; we talked about options; I went to sleep feeling lighter than I had in months.
The next week, I deferred my PhD. That, as some of you guessed, was the reality behind my metaphorical story about cartwheeling off a straight road.
About a week and a half after that decision, I came across the crossroads. For reasons of privacy and respect that I’m sure you’ll understand, I can’t go into specifics about this. The basic facts are that, last week, I was lucky enough to be offered two fantastic full-time jobs. The first I initially couldn’t imagine saying no to, because it had the potential to lead to something I’d dreamed of. There’s still a part of me in shock that I didn’t take it. The more I considered the second job offer, however, the more it started to feel right for where I am at this point in my life. Sure, I still sometimes wonder about the other option, but I’ve accepted my decision and am living with it.
And you know what? This decision has, in the past two weeks, seen me write two massive policy submissions pretty much on my own, interview and profile a Human Rights Medal winner, fit in comfortably with a lovely group of colleagues, earn my own spacious office with a brand new computer, accept the realities of instant coffee and its awful taste, eat a blueberry frangipane tart during a staff meeting and, next week, I’m going on my first solo work trip.
I think that maybe, in choosing to cartwheel off a tried-and-true road, I’ve found myself in a challenging, exhausting, and exciting field of unfamiliar yet vibrant green.
This is how I want to feel forever.
I already knew some of this, but I’m so glad you decided to write about it.
I think a lot of people over-rate the necessity of a PhD. Yes, there are some specific jobs that require it, but it’s only a limited number. I don’t have one, and my career is (usually) going pretty well. Glad to hear that it has brought you some relief.
I shall send you some celebratory orange chocolate.
Don’t you dare, Victoria. Don’t you dare.
Thank you so much, Victoria. Seeing the diverse paths other people take to find their niche in life is incredibly helpful 
CONGRATS to you! I bet this whole process has made you stronger and more confident. I’m so glad to hear you’re happy in your new spot!!
Thank you, Erica. I think I am, perhaps, walking a little stronger and taller. The Real World is still a nerve-wracking place to be, though!
First time commenting! Congratulations on turning your back on what’s expected and running towards happiness!
Thank you so much for commenting! And for the comment itself, too.
hurrah for you (and foremost – hi! – first time writing here). Thanks for sharing. Strains of your story seem eerily familiar… I am post-doccing but am facing those crossroads right now and it’s utterly bewildering. All the very best exploring your current (and future) fields!
Hi Caroline! Thank you for taking the time to comment
I’m in awe of you for being a post-doc! I hope that the crossroads you’re at lead to smiles and smiles and smiles, whichever way you choose. xo
Congratulations! I’m glad you’re so happy.
Your new job sounds lovely, perhaps minus the instant coffee.
Thank you, Jess
It’s nice to be feeling a bit better about life these days! Minus the instant coffee…
Thank you for writing so openly about this, Hannah! And you can be so proud of yourself that you’ve followede your heart (or stomach feeling), because it takes so much courage, especially if you’ve been walking down that road you’re going to deviate from for a long time already.
Your story reminds me of myself in several ways. As you, I always was a very good student, and then I got to a point (after several semesters of Cultural Studies) where I felt that it wasn’t right for me. I got seriously ill and needed surgery, and during that time I reflected a lot about what was really important for me and what I wanted to do with my life. After 4 years of studying already (and without even a Bachelor’s degree, because by that time, studies where still featuring the old German degrees that equal a Bachelor plus Master’s degree, and you only get the degree if you finish the whole thing), I quit my studies and started studying psychology. I’m still doing that, almost finished now, and it was the best decision ever. I still want to get into academia, though, and chances aren’t bad that I will (because I’m still a very good student), but I can very much relate to how heavy those decisions weight on your shoulders. I’m so happy you’ve made it! And even more happy that you’re feeling so alive where you are now!
Kath, thank you so much for sharing your story. It honestly makes me breathe more easily to hear about the winding paths people have taken to get to a place where they feel content and enthusiastic about life. I tend to become terrified of making the “wrong” choice and messing everything up, and so it’s wonderful to remember that there’s no such thing, really, as a “wrong” choice, unless it’s the one that makes you utterly miserable. *hugs*
P.S. Psychology sometimes calls to me, I must admit. Don’t tell my Sociology cohort!
A long and winding road indeed! Meanwhile, I like to say that you have more opportunities to pick up lovely flowers if you go by the wayside a little.
I was always interested in psychology, but finally, I got there via sociology!
(I was a sociology and philosophy major when I did cultural studies.) I visited a few seminars on sociological theories about personal and social identity and absolutely loved it! Today, in psychology, my major interests still are personality and social psychology. 
The way you describe it sounds like it was the absolutely right decision! Anyway, I believe that even the unhappiest experiences are there for us to learn something. (I don’t want to sound insulting and unempathic by saying this; I’ve had some very unhappy eyperiences as well and think of them as learning experiences meanwhile.) You can also learn so much from what appeared to be a “deviation” back then. It all makes sense in the end.
I just want to say again how happy I am for you! You’re so right, there aren’t right or wrong decisions. You have to find what’s good for *you*, and if you don’t feel miserable (but even happy) it shows that you’ve done exactly the right thing for you.
I really appreciate you coming back and continuing our chat, Kath! I love that you got to psychology through sociology – I, too, am interested in the social psychology side of things, in terms of people’s feelings, motivations, identity, choices, etc, as well as the “cultural” side of sociology. I.e. all the parts that are about people, not numbers or politics!
I wish I’d done a bit of psychology, to see whether that might have fit. Are you hoping to practice in a particular field of psychology, or head straight into academia?
I, too, believe that times of unhappiness are important for building who we are as people and guiding our future movements in life. That said, I’d prefer not to have to go through too many such times!
With the bloggers I really like, I tend to check back, especially on sucj interesting posts! And I love comment section conversations!
I plan to get into academia right away. See, since I’m 4 years older than most of my fellows, I don’t want to take any more time. I really want to get into academia, and somehow I knew that from the beginning: My nightmare as a child already has always been that I’d have to do a regular job someday (which I could never imagine to bear), but at uni I feel in the right place … I like the researching, organizing, teaching … And I’ve been working as a student research assistant and tutor for several semesters (and still do), so I got quite a good impression on how it looks like.
However, I’ve also collected some experience outside of university. Back during cultural studies, I have done an event management project which was interesting, but I knew I didn’t want to do something like that to earn my living. The whole buniness branch is nothing for me, nor is the educational branch where you work with children. (I like working with (young) adults. For several months, I’ve done an internship at a therapy ward because clinical psychology / therapy was what I could imagine the most to do besides academia, but it felt wrong from the very first day. So I think it’ll be the university after all because there aren’t any alternatives I’d feel well with.
Aw, thank you Kath! I’m honoured to be included in that category of bloggers for you
And I absolutely agree about comments conversations being wonderful – I sometimes think this is the best part about blogging 
It’s absolutely wonderful to hear that you have such a clear, settled, and satisfied knowledge of what you want out of life. To be honest, a lot of what you say about academia feels right in my heart too (and I really love the teaching aspect), but I also know I need to have the “real world” experience so that I can accurately make a decision about the future, as you have. Hurrah for taking the time, testing the waters, and figuring out the next move with some degree of certainty!
Do you have particular research fields you’re interested in?
I left law school after one year because it didn’t feel right. I felt like I was headed down a path that wouldn’t ultimately fulfill me. I probably could have been just as happy if I’d stayed, but I followed my instinct. I took a crappy job, made great friends, got a better job, etc., and went back to graduate school with a different focus three years later.
I think it’s important to remember, especially at your very young age, that most choices are not permanent. You can step off the path, skip over a rock, backtrack, swim through the river, drift back down the river, sit on the bank for a while, and get back on the path you were on or pick a new one.
I love reading about how you have made these choices and you’re filled with excitement, relief, and pure happiness. That’s what life is all about.
Thankyou Christine for confirming that “most choices are not permanent”. Most things are only permanent if you choose them to be, aren’t they?
Oh Christine, thank you so very much. Your words about stepping off the path, going through then sitting by the river, and potentially getting back in when it feels right, make my heart feel lighter. It’s hard not to be caught up in believing that the decisions I make now will determine everything in my life forever. Your story (the real and metaphorical) gives me faith. Thank you.
Christine says it so very well! Nothing is permanent. Life is about finding out what makes you truly happy.
This blog needs a “like” button
Great post Hannah … I feel excited for you so I really hope you do too. Life is an adventure…
I do. I know that sometimes you worry I don’t, because you get to hear all the anxieties and doubts that I want to talk through, but I really do. And you help, so much.
Congratulations girl! And thankyou for sharing with us your ‘story’
I hope that your future is filled with lots of laughs, smiles and happiness – and the previoulsy uncertainty and anxiety is a distant memory 
You shoudl be so very proud of yourself!
Liza, thank you for your enthusiasm and wished for my future! It’s easier to feel proud of myself when people like you are showing me such support
Last two sentences = most epic ever. Congratulations for following your heart & for makin’ that cartwheel.
Aw, thanks Errign! Nothing like a bit of imagery when I start feeling I’m getting over-emotional
Yay cartwheels!
I truly am so proud of you. More than anything, for realising that you are not defined by any one thing (in this case, academia). That’s something I’ve struggled with a lot my whole life, and it is incredibly liberating to finally begin to let it go.
Life is full of choices and non-choices (by which I mean ‘stuff you just kinda fall in to’), and none of them are really as huge or permanent as they seem. They’re all just stepping stones – parts of a bigger journey; not the journey itself.
So smile a lot and embrace this exciting time. Lap it up! Enjoy the mystery and the unknown and the buzz of ‘winging it’ for a while.
Very, veeeeery proud and happy for you. We must catch up soon — or send me an email and tell me more about the job/everything! I’d love to hear all about this particular stepping stone
Lizzi, thank you! Even though we’ve talked about this before, it still sometimes surprises me to think that you’ve ever not been completely sure of who and what you are. Please, please can we have coffee soon? Next week is going to be crazy busy for me, but maybe the week after? You can pick my car-less self up after we both finish work
(See what I did there?)
And thank you for the “stepping stones” aspect. I get anxious when I can’t see exactly where things lead, so it’s been liberating to make myself take leaps of faith. Talkies sooooon!
Hun, you sound so happy, happy for you
And now you know why I’ve been awol lately! I desperately do want to catch up soon though!
Of course we are interested in reading this post Hannah.
If this path makes you happy and feels right, it is right.
You are never alone in the way you feel. I can relate to many of the feelings and experiences from your past, and I’m sure plenty of others do too.
You are a brave and beautiful girl and I’m really proud of you. xx
P.S. Excuse my ignorance, but what does a sociologist actually do? Is it predominantly research?
Oh, Margaret! Your comment made me feel all warm and fuzzy, and then the P.S. made me laugh out loud. That was, in fact, one of my dilemmas. Being unsure whether I wanted to go into academia or not, the sociology aspect started to seem a bit… uncertain, shall we say? Then again, sociologists are often cited in things like Sunday Life magazine
My P.S. is thank you, thank you. Your support here, and throughout my blog, has meant a lot.
Congrats on your decision! I’m a lurker, I love reading your food blog posts and I think it was really brave of you to write about this. I too have previously been in a position where I felt that my academic achievements defined me which was fine until Uni when I realised that I still felt unsatisfied and that it wasn’t enough. Enjoy your new job
.
Su, thank you so very much for popping out of the woodwork! Please do say hi again, as I really love chatting here in the comments
And thank you for your lovely words of support. I’m both surprised and unsurprised that so many of us have experienced similar feelings about academia. But look, we’re all surviving life anway! 
Hannah, everyone had the right to be happy and no educational qualification can add to this happiness. If thing’s aren’t right, its time for a change and I am glad you did that. Congratulations on a new beginning and may you be happy forever!
Thank you Priyanka! What lovely words of advice and support
It sounds like you made the right choice, both from a practical and a gut-feeling happiness perspective.
First, practical: This year off between B.A. and M.A. has been so helpful for me — I’ve been able to relax, and solidify my career and academic objectives. (They’ve moderately changed, in fact, so I’m really glad I didn’t head straight into graduate school. Even if it meant turning down a 2015 Toyota hydrogen car’s worth of scholarship money…)
Maybe you’re meant to do a Ph.D., but in a different field? At a different institution? In a year or two? Or maybe follow this job into another and then another? This year will help you make an informed decision.
Next, happiness: That sinking feeling you describe cannot be ignored! So throw out the whole practicality thing, and you would’ve still made the right decision.
Good luck in this new position! Your responsibilities sound fun — I, too, enjoy putting together grant proposals and briefing books.
Thank you, Lauren. I’m also so proud of the decisions you made, and the experiences you’ve had, this past year. I must say some of your comments in particular go straight to my heart, and I suddenly feel like we need to have a proper chat soon. Do you have skype? I miss your face.
I’m very intrigued to hear about the slight shifts in your academic focus, and would love to hear more about the specifics of your work in recent months. We can have chats about the intricacies of our submissions
you know what? realizing that you deserve to be happy and knowing what’s right for YOU makes you even MORE special than an unhappy person with a phd!!
seriously, that takes so much courage! i’m happy for you
also, you can totally come taste test next time!
Aw, thank you!! You’ve brought a big smile to my face
You’ll always be special! Really glad you made your decision. x
PS: But stay away from the instant coffee.
Agnes, the worst part is today I put FAKE SUGAR in the instant coffee. Somewhere in the world, a fairy lost its wings.
P.S. I may not ever stop thanking you for your support during this time. Just so you know.
I totally get it.
I was in your situation about 4 years ago and gave up a pretty successful career because I just didn’t feel good about it. I was terrified of the disappointment that I assumed everyone would feel.
Turns out that everyone around me only wanted me to be happy and encouraged to follow my true passions in life.
Amazing post!
And everyone in Hannah’s family – not just all her wonderful friends commenting here – have always only wanted her to be happy. We will always be proud of her, not only for what she achieves but for what she is: beautiful in mind and spirit.
Aw, Grandma! You just made me get all teary-eyed (again)! *hugs* Thank you so much for your faith and support, so much.
Toni, thank you, thank you, thank you. Experiences like yours are so very much what make me feel brighter and more sure right now. And you know what? My family (and friends) were exactly the same. I realised that I was disappointing them more by walking around in a cloud of sadness, despite thinking I was doing what they wanted/was expected of me.
Thank you for sharing
There was a brief time in my life when I was torn between doing what I thought I should ( and what my dad wanted me to do) and doing what made me happy – it was brief as when it comes down to it, the only thing I want in this life is to be happy. You never know when your number is up, and I wanted to make sure I lived my life for myself.
When making a choice that leads to increased happiness, it is always the right choice.
Congrats on your job!
I keep saying thank you, but I mean it every time. I’m overwhelmed by how many of us have struggled with decision between “oughts” and the potential for [truer] happiness – and I’m so proud when we’ve opted for the brighter unknown
Thank you for sharing your story. xo
*Yawn* … Just Kidding!!! Seriously, this is an amazing story Hannah and I am so happy for you! It can be heard to listen to your heart that way, but so wonderful when it pays off. This is thrilling news and I’m elated you finally decided to share! Truthfully, I have been dying to know after that one post, but certainly didn’t want to pry.
Hahaha! After getting all teary, a giggle like that was just what I needed
Thank you for your genuine, lovely, enthusiastic support. I’m so overwhelmed by these comments. And I’m also a little relieved to know that people were interested in hearing about what was going on! I’ve been struggling with feeling too self-focused on this blog lately 
I’ve been happily following your blog since I found it through Oh She Glows a few weeks ago (it’s so nice to be able to read posts by a fellow Australian!) and have enjoyed every post you’ve written over that time. This one is no exception!
I was a similar child and adolescent, who linked self-worth to academic performance, and I did end up following a PhD path. I don’t regret it, but it’s only since finishing my PhD that I’ve realised how much more there is so to life than academia. A lot of really fun, exciting, challenging stuff that is completely uninfluenced by academic work or status.
So I guess what I really want to say is, congratulations on finding that out now. You took a leap of faith and it sounds like it is already paying off in exciting and rewarding ways
Oh Kari, thank you so much! I’m utterly thrilled to hear that you’ve been enjoying pottering around here lately. And, indeed, WOOT for fellow Aussie bloggers!
I’m very much in awe of you for pushing through the PhD. There’s definitely a part of me that thinks I’ll return in future, but as you say, it’s also nice to know there’s a world beyond academia. And an exciting world, too
Thank you, again, Kari!
Follow your heart and you know what is best for yourself
Good on you babe
Thank you Penny! Just gotta hope the next work trip takes me to Melbourne, right?
I love hearing about people’s actual lives and yours sounds amazing. I know that feeling all too well when you are doing something that you don’t really want to do and when you stop it you feel like all this weight has been lifted off your shoulders and you are free!
Yes, yes! The night I talked with mum and realised that I *would* defer, I couldn’t sleep because I felt so light and free and excited. And then terrified. But mostly excited
P.S. Thank you for saying you like hearing about the “life” stuff. It’s nerve-wracking posting personal things like this sometimes!
Dear Lovely Hannah
I so relate with your new life directions decision, I went through the same anxiety when I stunned everyone (including myself for actually having the stuff to do it) & gave up cheffing for event management. Something I’ve never once regretted (although there are still heaps of my old colleagues out there who think I’ve done the equivalent of joining the foreign legion or something similar). Anyone who listened to their gut over others advice has my vote, so good on ‘ya luv
Oh Anna, thank you! And it’s so, so wonderful to hear that you have never regretted your choice. I haven’t had a moment to regret mine – the rapidity with which everything moved has meant I haven’t had the time to doubt or wonder! Plus, Ms Oz Harvest Wonder Woman, how could anyone think you didn’t make the perfect move for you?
You’re taking over Canberra!
Heheeee
…. taking over The Berra indeed!!! You make me giggle at that idea. Thanks for such generosity lovely – you touch our hearts you know, so keep doing what all your doing OK.
And on the subject of doors opening quickly & all that…, in my humble opinion when we reach crossroads like this & door slam open then I think its fairly safe to step through knowing we’re on the right path & following our destiny.
Go you good thing
*hugs* Thank you Anna! These words of yours are so lovely to read. I think the hard thing is when multiple doors open and you’re not quite sure what’s in the next room behind each!!
Hey, congratulations on finding a green field to play in
As much as I loved (ack! past tense!) my PhD, I know that it is not for everyone, at every time. The wonderful thing about life is that you can always change what you are doing. Maybe in a few years, or a few decades, you’ll decide to come back and do a PhD – but not because it makes you any more special than anyone, because you *want* to do it. And maybe you won’t! Maybe you’ll decide to open a chocolatery. And maybe you won’t. No matter what, you’re special because you’re awesome, and for no other reason.
Does this new job give you any travel opportunities to North Queensland?
Woops, just re-read this and I don’t mean that you don’t have multiple reasons for your special-ness. I just mean it isn’t connected to PhD-ness. Der, Theresa.
*laughs* ohmygosh you just said I wasn’t special, we can never be friend again!
Seriously, though, I really really appreciate and value everything you said here. As you say, returning to a PhD or starting a chocolaterie (that does sound awesome right now…) are options for the future, but if/when they occur, it will be because my heart and soul are in them, not because I feel like that’s my only option in life. Also, thank you so much for your advice on this matter in recent months – I know I’ve been a bad email correspondent, but your messages have meant so much!
I’m so happy for you Hannah. As you know, I think you deserve nothing short of utter happiness and freedom and copious amounts of best quality chocolate. You’re a smart girl anyway and I know you’ll do the right thing. I just know that!
Lorraine, your support, faith, and encouragement have meant so much in recent months. The only problem with the full-time work is less chances to escape to Sydney for our playdate! It’ll happen, though, and when it does I’magonna give the the most massive hug
Nice to hear you are happy with your decision. I had wondered about the PhD. Good on you for being brave enough to admit it wasn’t right for you just now. There is always the option of doing one in the future if you feel ready and it will be a much better experience but a PhD is not always what you need anyway – the academic world is dog eat dog!
I just hope that you have a job with the Chocolate Appreciation Institute and are heading off on a work trip to taste lots of good chocolate
Oh Johanna, now that you’ve said that about the Chocolate Appreciation Institute, my actual job doesn’t seem as lovely anymore!
Seriously, though, thank you for the support. It’s wonderful how many people have said that there’s always the option of doing the PhD later. I do like having that in the back of my mind
Hannah my darling, I think you already know my feelings and thoughts about this but let me restate them succinctly – you are amazing and you totally deserve all the respect and adoration and clapping and cheering and throwing of flowers.
If you find yourself questioning your decision later on, remember to cut your past self some slack – she’s a clever cookie and made the very best decision at that point in time no matter what future Hannah may think! I also have found, when I question my big life decisions after the fact (sometimes many years after), that it really helps to think of all the amazing things that would not have then happened if you had not made that choice (for instance, all my lovely friends that I now have that I would not know if I kept on with the medical degree or if I’d been clever enough to go straight into engineering from school and not “waste” those three years doing other stuff).
Seriously though, buy yourself a plunger for your office. Yeesh.
Conor, your “thwack” email was one of the high points of last week, and so I feel extremely lucky to have also received this lovely comment from you. And wish such wonderful, rational, proper, will-cling-to advice. While I haven’t had a moment in which to question the decision, I do know that that is something I’m wont to do, and your arsenal of responses to doubt are truly appreciated. You’re my awesome.
I really do think the plunger will happen. Either bought, or stolen from my parents’ house…
The decision you made was straight from your heart. Your heart knows what you want. Good on you for listening to it
Thank you, Cherrie. It’s ridiculous how hard it can be, sometimes, to listen to your heart! Hopefully I’ll pay attention more quickly, next time
To continue the transportation metaphors: congrats on choosing your destination and not being railroaded along a journey that is not of your choosing. I too know what it’s like to be railroaded: unfortunately for me my train derailed and crashed. I survived with minor cuts and a bruised ego.
Since then I’ve realised I wasnt leading my life but the life that I was expected to lead. Now I’m leading the life the way I want it and doing the things I want to.
But sadly though since my awakrning I see too many people heading for trainwrecks themselves as they blindly follow the path that’s been laid out before them. If only they could be helped…
Brent, I’m so sorry you had to go through the crash, but am at the same time in awe that you were able to pick yourself up, work out what was needed to make you a happier person, and go after it whole-heartedly. Bruised egos hurt sometimes, don’t they?
Thank you so much for sharing your story 
One last thing I forgot add: stay away from coffee – it’s a self fulfilling prophecy and only causes the problems it appears to solve.
It’s OK to drink socially, but don’t drink it compulsively. But if you must drink it, at least drink the quality stuff and stay away from instant.
Don’t worry, Brent, I’m very aware of making sure I don’t become addicted to coffee
Usually it’s just something I drink with friends, and often decaf. Will definitely need to find a nice tea or something for work, though! 
Tea (black, green, white) all have caffeine in them – black can just as much as instant coffee – so watch your consumption.
I’m a herbal tea girl myself
Current fave is lemongrass and ginger!
You’ve got good taste. I should try some infusions for my sore throat. :-/
You’re awesome Hannah! To have the courage to defer the PhD because you didn’t feel right about it isn’t something most people can do. Most just trudge on the same road.
Besides, from my point of view, I’ve always believed in working for a year or two, have a break from academia, and decide then if the PhD is for you.
There’s nothing wrong! And, have fun with the work trip
Oh gosh, thank you Jasmine! That’s a really lovely thing to say
Yes, I think a break is a good idea too, though of course for some people it makes sense to get stuck right in (trying not to offend anyone here… 
)
Oh how good it does feel to get good grades
By boyfriend is also the same and just graduated end of last year with a medal of academic excellence which he will recieve this month. But there is certainly a point where you have to leave study behind and I must say I graduated about 1 1/2 years ago and it feels so good to not have any bookwork, study or assignemnts contunuously hanging over me, in the back of my mind 
It sounds like you made the right choice!
Rose
Rose, there is definitely something wonderful about going home at the end of the day and not having to feel like I should be studying/reading/etc. I’m still getting used to it! It definitely does feel nice to get good grades, but it also feels wonderful when people call to thank you for the work you’ve done at your job
Yay!
Congratulations! This is a big decision and one you have taken great pains to consider. You are courageous, resilient and breathtakingly honest. Welcome to the joys of working life
Thank you Helen! And by “joys” you mean moments of super enthusiasm combined with moments of “how much longer until 5:30 comes”, right?
P.S. Those are very lovely adjectives. I feel all happy now.
How exciting! Congrats!
It’s so good you trusted your guts and went with a life changing decision.
I have met so many highly academic professionals, such as doctors, who clearly just hate their job and show no interest in their patients – maybe because that wasn’t their true passion but they didn’t have the guts to pull out.
You will find great success and happiness only if you stick with your instincts and follow your passions
xo
Ella, thank you so much. I mean, I don’t like that there’s an army of unhappy people out in the world, but I feel relieved to think I’ve taken steps to try to not join them. (Hmm, that was a rather poorly constructed sentence…)
Instincts and passions – yes, that’s what I’m working on listening to now
This is extremely exciting!! I’m so happy the decision you went with is already paying off and looking to be rewarding
congrats, that does take a lot of courage to do, I’m amidst some pretty hard academic/career decisions myself!!
I’m also AMAZED at how humble you are about your education. I always took doing well for granted and never really pushed myself farther than I needed to get mostly A’s in school ha. To this day I don’t regret it nor do I regret
The chance to have worked and traveled and lived abroad. It feels weird to me to be starting a masters (two more years after if I want to pursue the PhD) and be close to 30 at the end of it haha.
Like I said, big decisions take a lot of thought. I hope you celebrate this new adventure with FABUOUSLY decadent desserts and post them here soon
this is big news, you deserve to live it up for a bit now!!
Monique, I definitely thought about how we were facing similar dilemmas when you revealed your crossroads on your blog! I was so happy that you chose what was best for you, too
I sometimes get caught up in thinking about “how old” I’ll be if I don’t figure out my exact life trajectory right now, but then I remind myself that life is about living now, not living in the future, and that I’ll be just as capable of having fun when I’m 40 as I am now. And if that’s when I do decided to finish a PhD? So be it
Thank you so very much for your enthusiasm and support, too! Funnily enough, I just hinted to my mum that I was put out that she hadn’t suggested a celebratory dinner out for my new job…
I think it takes a lot of courage to leave what is familiar and go after what you really want. Good for you for doing what is right for you right now. All that matters is your happy and everything else will fall into place!
Thank you Tracey! It really was terrifying to make this decision. I have no idea where my life is going to lead now, but that’s kind of exciting
I think you’re right, that as long as you’re happy/content, things can’t be too bad 
There’s nothing more important than feeling happy and confident with our decisions. I’m so happy for you!
Absolutely! Thank you so much, Kacy
Congratulations on following your bliss! That is wonderful.
Thank you
Wonderful, scary, wonderful….
Congratulations! It’s clear you made the right decision, and I hope that you feel as happy as you look in that picture forever
Thank you Kate
This support means so much.
congrats! it sounds like you made the decision that was best for you!
Thank you!
Lovely post, sweetie. Your twenties will be full of twists and turns and changes in plans — I’m living proof! Just prepare yourself to be nothing but continually surprised
Thank you, Gena. I must say, your posts about your recent life changes have been incredibly helpful, comforting, and inspiring to me. It’s a little bit exciting to have more unknown twists and turns ahead of me
You must feel so wonderful and overwhelmed! This is an exciting time for you and I want you to always feel joyful, too! I’m also deferring a PhD…and I’m having a BLAST! I’m working in a field I’d never imagined I’d be a part of and I’m doing well at it. I get to travel much more. I was inspired when a woman who had spend 25 years in the career field I now work in, joined the PhD program at my university. She said she always knew that research/teaching would be her 2nd career. That totally inspired me. Some people only get one!
Teresa, I’m so ecstatic to hear that you’ve made the same choice and are utterly thrillied with your life as a result
Thank you for taking the time to share with me/us! I must admit that I do still have the PhD in the back of my mind for the future, but I’m going to commit to trying out this new life whole-heartedly, and making the most of it 
YAY! I got the impression that the PhD path might not have been the right one for you.
And, let’s fact it, there are a helluva lot of ‘doctors’ out there who wonder just why they bothered.
Be happy. And busy. And sleep well, eat more frangipane tarts and know that us, your readers are utterly thrilled that you did what was right for you!
Kath, thank you so much. Your last words are exactly what I’m hoping for in life right now
Oooh, frangipane… I wonder if I could just make some of that and eat it with a spoon?
P.S. Some of your recent experiences with academia have, I must say, given me pause!
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Wow, congratulations Hannah! Thank you so much for sharing. It sounds like you made the right choice
I just turned down starting a phd – I want to want to do one, and I’ve been waiting for that enthusiasm to come, but at the moment it just feels wrong. Now I have no idea what to do because studying has defined my life for so long, but after reading this I have hope that things will all work out. Thanks again 
Oh Rachel, thank you so much! (P.S. Is this my Ancient History Rachel buddy?
) I’m so proud of you for making the right decision for you right now – and a little envious that you were able to make it straight away, unlike me! I wanted to want it so much that I just kept wanting… 
Things absolutely will work out for you. I have no doubts about that 
yep, yay for ancient history! My ‘decision’ is more of a ‘delaying making a proper decision’ (I’m still in the wanting to want it stage). So I haven’t quite made the cartwheel off the road yet but I’m working up to it. You’ve inspired me
Good luck with everything. You will be amazing at whatever you do!
p.s. I love this blog, and I have a chocolatey recipe I think you will like.
Catullus, Caesar, togas… however would we have survived year 11 without ‘em? Delaying is absolutely fine – technically, that’s what I’m doing too! And considering your athletic prowess, your cartwheels will be far more graceful than mine, wherever they lead you
P.S. Thank you!! And hit me with that recipe!
Oh, Hannah Hannah Hannah. I am so, so proud of you. I’m still not caught up on your posts but I had to read this one right away. All I can say is…I think you did the right thing. I too have felt that ridiculous self-imposed pressure when it comes to school, finding myself crying in my car at 1am on a night where I had a 6am workout and 8am class the next morning, bawling to my mom on the phone (and mind you, I am NOT very close to my mom at all) that I was on the verge of slipping below 90% in my phonetics class, and I can’t get a B in phonetics, I just can’t, I love it too much and it’s part of my major! Anyway, ahem. I can relate. And I hope you’re now enjoying long, deep breaths of fresh air, cuz you deserve them. Do what makes you feel alive, and you’re going to go far. I’m thrilled for you and this exciting new job, and I can’t wait to hear lots about it (and also the road not taken; I am curious). It sounds like we both have LOTS to look forward to!
Love you forever! <3
Dearest, thank you for taking the time to comment here – I know how busy you are right now, and it means a lot. My new life isn’t quite as thrilling or dream-fulfilling as yours, I must admit, but I am happier
I’d love to tell you more about everything that’s been going on, but don’t want to stress you out with a long email if you’re super busy? We should try and arrange a skype-date, I think 
P.S. Big, big toast to the moment of realisation that grades don’t equal self-worth!!
P.P.S. I’m also serious about becoming your personal assistant…
Sorry I’m late to the party. I did surmise from your metaphorical tale and Facebook updates that you had left school. I’m just so delighted to hear that you’re happy and sleeping well again! You deserve it!
Thank you Camille! Yes, those on facebook got a bit of an early insight into the goings-on
Thank you so much for your support! And more importantly, congratulations about the apartment!
Hannah, I’m glad it’s all working out for you at the moment and that some great opportunities have come your way.
Now, get yourself a coffee plunger for the office, stat!
I think a coffee plunger will be top of the list once I’ve got some paydays under my belt
That and a warm jacket – my office is cooooold!
And thank you, for your words here and previously
I don’t think there is anything more important than happiness. (Except maybe love…eww mush.) I’m so glad you are loving the big decisions in your life! Congrats on the new job!
Thank you! Seeing as I’m single, I’ll just be focusing on happiness right now
Hannah, this post ain’t boring/sound vain/ offensive. I’m glad you have come to a decision at the crossroad, and found a wonderful job. This is going to be an exciting journey for you, and I am really psyched for you! Your mom is right – you are special!
Aw, Kayla, thank you! It really was quite nerve-wracking pressing “publish” with this post. I’m so overwhelmed with the loveliness I’ve received since doing so
Congrats on making this decision. Study is a tough thing and I often find myself in a similar situation – whether to continue on or not *sigh*. After taking a year off after finishing my undergraduate degree I decided to embark on a Masters which I am hoping to complete at the end of this year. It is tough and I often wonder if I made the right decision doing MORE study. The good thing is it will always be there and you can pick it up when you feel it is right for you
Sounds like you are really enjoying your new job. Make sure you don’t get used to the instant stuff though, just find the best cafe nearby xx
Thank you, Erin. It’s such a relief to hear that I’m not/wasn’t alone in feeling so uncertain about study. Taking a year off is what I should have done straight away, I think! Good luck with the Master’s – you’re so close to the end, hurrah!
Alas, there only cafe nearby is a 20 minute walk. I think I’ll have to buy a french press
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Oh no, I’ve been away from blog land with moving apartments. Catching up
now. Well done on making what seems like a really tough decision! I hope you found writing your story & putting it out there therapeautic. Your honesty is heartwarming. What an exciting time! Scary too, but this is what life is all about isn’t it? These experiences & adventures. Life is too short to be unhappy. Well done on living the life you want to lead!
Heidi xo
Thank you Heidi! It has been therapeutic – particularly reading all these amazing, supportive comments. Comments like yours are as good as a hug
Girl… congrats on making this decision! I know just how scary it is to walk away from education like that. I seriously could’ve written this exact same post (except it was my Masters, not PhD when I walked away). I loved school so much all my life and I really based my self worth on how smart I was and how well I did in school. Seriously… I am with you here. And while I am still open to the possibility of further education again someday, I have never been less stressed or more bouncy than I have been since I left grad school in summer ’09.
So cheers to a great decision for you (and me!) 
Oh Rach, thank you a thousand times for sharing your similar experience/choice here! It means so much to know that someone else went through this predicament, felt the same way, and is doing so well/feeling so happy after having made the same decision that I’ve just made. Thank you xoxo
Congratulations on taking such big steps to happiness!
Thank you Julia!
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Congratulations on your massive life decision and change in direction Hannah. Now I’m totally dying to know what your job is, it sounds great. I completely related to your ‘I won’t be special anymore’. Up until 3 years ago, I was ‘somebody’ in my field. I have sice taken two massive steps backwards and am now a total nobody, bottom of the pile. But I don’t care at all, because it means I now get more time to enjoy the things I love much more, which means much more to me as it happens than being the best at something that did not mean a lot to me deep down anymore. Throughout my life, I have changed directions many times, including dropping out of a 4 year degree after 3 years. It just means I have lots of interesting life experiences and memories. Don’t be too hard on yourself, I get the sense that people are naturally drawn to you and naturally love you – after all – they’re only human! I hope you are enjoying the job and got the better coffee.
Thank you so very much, my friend. I’m so ecstatic to hear that you, too, made a big decision regarding your career based on a conscious desire to make your life one of enjoyment and pleasure, not an endless vicious scramble for what this world defines as prestige. What you write rings so true for me and makes me feel stronger in my decision, which I will have to think about again soon as the end of the year deferral draws near. I’m also so in awe of your courage at dropping out of that degree 3 years in. I know if I’d let myself continue on the PhD path, I never would have had the strength to stop, even if it was hurting me.
And aw! You’re so lovely to me! Thank you
P.S. We now have a coffee machine. Thank heavens.
I’m obviously really late on this one, but… I’m so happy you made that decision. I completely understand how you felt. I always excelled in school. I had loads of friends and a great social life but was always that bit different. Long, long story short, I left a shitty ex and a life I didn’t like in Chicago (moved there from DC) to go to Amsterdam, where I did my Masters in Sociology and graduated with the highest thesis marks. I was totally on the path to PhD and basically had a foot in the door. Again I channelled this sense of being different to some others, and thought – yes, of course I’ll do a PhD. It’s just part of my special path!
Well. I moved to Australia. I met with all the appropriate people at Melb Uni and got the ball rolling. They loved my ideas. But I didn’t love my own ideas, and I seriously labored over the application and the mere thought of doing it. I felt like if I let it go then I’d let myself go.
Well, 1 year later, I couldn’t be in a better place without it – just like you. I also work in Social Policy (at a philanthropic foundation) and am getting far more experience than I would stuck behind my desk.
The moral of this story? There is no moral, really, but I feel a great sense of solidarity with you and felt compared to say you’re not alone!
Dear Yasmeen, thank you so much for sharing this. I honestly can’t explain how much it’s like being able to breathe more easily to read of someone going through (almost exactly, discipline and all!) the same thing , and to know that you, like me, know deeply and completely that this was the right decision, no matter how much we once thought that stepping off the expected path would somehow dissolve us or make us less.
When I think back to how unhappy I was struggling with the self-expectation to do the PhD, and how much experience and confidence and self-knowledge (and happiness) I’ve gained in stepping away from academia… well, I’ve never once regretted thte decision, to say the least.
I’m so thrilled that you, too, are in a better place! And for our solidarity. *hugs*
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