I have a Microsoft Word document on my computer that is bursting at the seams* with tasting notes of all the chocolates I’ve eaten but have not yet reviewed. The document is very long and likely illegible to anyone else who opens it, as I write tasting notes in my signature blend of Turkish, Swedish, and Pig-Latin.
I’m talented like that.
Okay, okay, that was a lie. It’s illegible because I usually type with my left hand whilst eating the chocolate with my right, and I’m not left-handed.
The following is, I kid you not, a direct copy-pasted quote from said document:
dn rainigna dnc rnaky cause forgot you office
Can someone please translate that for me? Because I honestly have no idea what those words have to do with a spicy dark chocolate from New York.
Mast Brothers Dark Chocolate + Serrano Peppers
As the name of the company suggests, this chocolate was made by a couple of brothers. Mast Brothers. From New York. With beards. And if that sounds like the beginning of a fairytale to you, then go with it. All good fairytales should involve chocolate, anyway.
Oh, I apologise in advance for the less-than-stellar chocolate photos in this post. The light in my apartment was terrible on the day of eating, so I decided to embrace an “artsy” rather than “clear” aesthetic.
This chocolate was sent to me by the super-generous Tess, who used to be my brother’s housemate and has spent the past year working on a dairy farm in upstate New York. She’s been having such an amazing and inspiring time that I’m almost tempted to follow in her footsteps, except I’m scared of 4am starts and the enormous bruises she’s received from trying to herd cantankerous cattle in specific directions.
But let’s talk chocolate, not bruises.
If I had to describe this Mast Brothers Dark Chocolate + Serrano Peppers in three words, the words would be intense, divine, and not-for-the-faint-of-heart. And if I had a fourth word: love. And a fifth: vegan.
The cacao used in this chocolate was organically farmed in the Dominican Republic, but “roasted, cracked, winnowed, stone-ground and aged in Brooklyn” (so says the packaging). In other words, the Mast Brothers are dedicated, talented, and clearly know what they’re doing, chocolate-wise.
How can I be sure that they know what they’re doing? Well, because the chocolate is really good. I found it remarkably tasty, although I couldn’t in good conscience recommend it to anyone who is tentative about chillies. The Serrano peppers used in this chocolate pack some serious heat, starting with a prickle in your mouth and building to an intense burn in the back of your throat. Yes, I really mean “burn”. As a dedicated chilli-lover, I revelled in this near-painful sensation, but I know such an experience isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.
Setting aside the chillies for a minute, the chocolate Mast Brothers makes is itself quite unique. It isn’t as silky-smooth as other upmarket chocolates I’ve tried, but the slightly grainy texture doesn’t take away from its complexity of flavour. The aroma has a fruitiness akin to plums, raspberries, and olives, and the first flavours to hit upon tasting are caramel, muscovado sugar, capsicum, and cocoa.
For me, the tantalising interplay between this chocolate’s dark caramel sweetness, earthy-without-being-bitter intensity, and lingering, prickly burn of chillies was perfect. The smoky undertones to the rich chocolate were utterly moreish, and I found myself torn between despair that this Mast Brothers chocolate isn’t available in Australia, and relief on behalf of my bank account that it isn’t.
Sometimes, the life of the chocolate reviewer is confusing.
*Erroneous use of a cliché alert!
Hannah, I think we are long-lost sisters because I totally could have written that first paragraph.
I’m not so happy with my signature scrawl — mostly a series of indecipherable loops that are more horizontal than vertical. But I guess it proves my membership in the journalists-and-PhD-students-club.
And on to the chocolate: I don’t like heat in mine, but I love that packaging. Good font, eye-catching… but do they explain its significance? Or is it merely weird for the sake of weird? Which is equally fine by me.
Be sure to write about your first PhD conference!
Hmm… you see, I was actually talking about typing, so it’s even more embarrassing that it’s illegible
There was no talk of the significance of the packaging design on the packaging, but I’ll try to investigate when I’m at my parents’ place and have more internet access
P.S. Lovely to hear from you!
My notes are handwritten and invariably come festooned with spots and smears of chocolate and often just a few ‘ticks’ instead of real comments or incredibly useful words like ‘yum’ and ‘delicious’.
Ah, it’s a challenge but one that you and I are prepared to keep on taking
We do have a hard life, don’t we? Sometimes I don’t know how we keep it up…
When you said “and I’m not left handed” it made me laugh…I was imagining The Princess Bride. I can’t help it.
Oh how much I love chocolate…
Oh how much I love The Princess Bride! This comment made my night.
Hehehe! We’ve even had chocolate and The Princess Bride viewing sessions…a match made in heaven.
Which reminds me, have you thought about what Whittaker’s chocolate you would like?
Hmm… I have a feeling I should call you one day, and we can spend an hour or so quoting the lines to each other…
Oh, gosh, I was feeling really naughty about sending you a list! But if you insist, I’ll look tomorrow and write to you
Have there been any Aussie chocolates on this blog that you’d like me to send you? 
I love that you have a word document just about chocolate!…
I eat too much chocolate to trust my memory only
I love the packaging on that chocolate – cool skeleton! It definitely adds to the two-bearded-brothers fairytale aspect of this chocolate.
Oh, I desperately want to write that fairytale now!
This chocolate does look really good!! Lovely packaging too. And lol sorry no help with the translation
Heidi xo
Oh, and here I was thinking I could count on you, Heidi!
I actually quite like the unclear photos!
As much as I like chiles, I’m not sure I’d like this on its own…but what can’t be eaten out of hand could certainly still be at home in a batch of unconventional blondies!
Aw, thanks love! So you’d buy an artwork if I opened a chocolate photo gallery?
Also, what a brilliant idea! Swooning at the idea of mixing this super spicy chocolate through your sweet white chocolate peanut butter blondies…
Vegan! Awesome.
Less awesome is the lack of being in Australia-ness, but can’t win ‘em all…
As a dedicated chilli luva I think I’d just have to have a go at this little one, cool packaging too.
Chilli lovers unite! If I ever see this chocolate in Australia, I’ll let you know
T’would be muchly appreciated dearie
ooh too much chilli for me but fortunately I write indecipherable notes and am used to making sense of them – your notes mean that “if it is raining cats and dogs it may cause you to forget where your office is” – ring any bells? But honestly I do write notes that later cause me much bemusement. And I have lots of blog notes for future posts – some which just never see the light of day when my backlog becomes unbearable – good luck with your backlog. And I love the cover – E says it is a little bit neofolk which is a high compliment from him!
I did think of you as one of the people who definitely wouldn’t like this! Hmm, that’s a nice but it definitely doesn’t ring any bells. Then again, maybe I’m just going senile?
Oh, the dreaded blog backblog. If we all compiled our probably-will-never-be-posted-notes-and-drafts, I bet we could make a new blog that would run for a decade!
Oooh, a comment from the elusive E! I’m honoured
Love love love chocolate. You know I have never tasted chocolate with peppers. May be I should try it some time.
Oh, you definitely should! Chilli chocolate is fabulous, and there are so many different kinds available in your country
I’ve seen their chocolates at some local shops, but never tried one. I personally love the combo of hot ‘n’ sweet…so these would be up my alley
Oh, I’m so envious! You must tell me what the other flavours are like if you try them!
I don’t think I’d be at one with this chocolate, the chilli sounds a bit much for me. But I do love the packaging too. I wonder if all their products are like that? Wow. Seems they usually have more of a Curious Chocolatier kind of feel.
http://lovelypackage.com/mast-brothers-chocolate/
Yep, you were the other person (besides Johanna) who I knew this would be too spicy for!
You’re right, the designs are quite similar to Heidi’s. Perhaps the skull is a warning for spice-averse customers then? 
I think it’s more the fact that the chocolate has blown all the skin off the last person who ate it- now that is the telltale sign for sure.
Now there’s some unpleasant imagery…
Looks really yummy. Why didn’t I get some. Oh, and in case you hadn’t noticed, I think you cheated on your third word. Just telling you because you were brought up to be honest and so I thought you’d like to know…
Well, I might have a tiny square of this leftover, but why on earth would I give it to you? YOU’LL JUST FORGET YOU ATE IT.
And that’s all I’m going to say on the matter.
Totally understand and get that randomness. I can’t understand half of my notes on food? Anyway, I want to try this chocolate. love the flavour of chocolate and chilli. They don’t actually compliment but somehow addictive
Teehee, clearly our tastebuds and language aren’t always in sync. And it gets worse the longer the time between taking notes and writing them up, doesn’t it! This chocolate is pretty hardcore in its chilli – I bet you’d love it
Chilleh! Sounds like my kind of chocolate.
Your notes say:
Being enveloped by burning rain and iguanas, and Iguana Damon is cranky because I forgot him in the office.
Obviously a metaphor for the chocolate tasting.
I’m trying to come up with a witty riposte, but I can’t stop giggling at your translation. So. Much. Giggling.
Clearly you got it in one. After having done a chocolate tasting with me, you know exactly how my mind (and notes) work. Thank you for the clarification, BFF. I can sleep easy tonight.
(Oh, except for the Iguana Damon part. That is the stuff of nightmares.)
It’s okay. Iguana Damon is generally a nice lizard, apart when you forget to let him out of your office.
Because I won’t like him when he’s angry?
Don’t make him angry. He’s an iguana.
Is it weird that I just had a fuzzy moment wherein I honestly thought Iguana Damon was real?
I love the burn. In the gym and in my mouth. Yeah baby.
Cantankerous cattle bruises must be impressive. I would like to get some so I can use the term “cantankerous cattle” when people ask me why I’m covered in black, blue and yellow skin. Oh yes, the yellow bruise is the gnarliest.
Having not stepped foot inside a gym for over a year and a half, I really can’t comment on that side of things. I can, however, say that not putting on running shoes at 6am is quite lovely.
I feel tempted to make some sort of “cantankerous cattle = the new ‘I ran into a door’” line, but somehow that feels wrong…
I absolutely adore that packaging. It’s so macabre and beautiful! I also love serrano chilis and wish I could get some here…
Me too, on all counts. Fancy chillies of any description (beyond fresh bird’s eye chillies at the supermarket) are almost impossible to fnd in Australia. Gosh, just think of the chocolate patisserie magic you could wield by throwing some serranos into your work creations…
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