The past few chocolates reviewed on this blog have been more about additions and intrigue than the quality of the chocolate itself. As you should know by now, I’m no single-origin-only-artisanal-get-that-extraneous-object-away-from-my-cacao snob. Curry and milk chocolate? Why not? Salt and Pepper dark chocolate? Absolutely. I’m an equal-opportunity chocolate fiend. Or friend. Friendly fiend? No matter. I’m sure you catch my drift. My rambling, easily distracted drift. Ooh, hang on a tick, I think I just saw something sparkly out of the corner of my eye…
Where was I? Ah, yes. I was talking about how I’m generally open to a range of different chocolate experiences. Well, folks, I’m here to tell you that sometimes it pays to be a chocolate snob. For, as the old saying goes, Discerning Means Never Having To Say You’re Sorry [You Ate That].
Cadbury Old Gold Toffee Crunch Dark Chocolate
There is one word that encapsulates everything you need know about this chocolate. That word is sweet. Sweeeeeeeeeeeet. And not sweet in the “I just found a twenty dollar note on the pavement… sweet” way. Sweet in the “oh-holy-bucket-I-need-a-glass-of-water-and-a-packet-of-salt-and-vinegar-chips” way. In fact, this chocolate is so sweet that I was moved to write an acrostic about it:
So full of saccharine that it gives me the
Even the purported “dark”-ness of the chocolate is
Evidently a misnomer. Dear Cadbury,
Toffee was not your cleverest addition to an already cloying chocolate.
My tasting notes attest to how hard I struggled to pinpoint any flavour complexities in this chocolate. I thought the aroma was a bit like the patty-case toffees sold at school fetes… then I realised that such toffees are made of nothing but sugar and water. Then I thought that the chocolate itself had some honey notes… but really it was just burningly sweet.
Admittedly, the toffee parts reminded me of Crunchie bars… but Crunchies are, in all honesty, little else but sweet. This Cadbury Toffee Crunch bar didn’t even have discernible cocoa notes. Do you know what notes it did have?
Yep. Sugar notes. Sharp, sharp, sharp and unceasing sugar notes.
And do you want to know the most upsetting part about this chocolate and its unrelenting assault of sweet on my palate?
It led me to write an acrostic poem. An acrostic poem. The worst kind of poem there is.
I’m a broken shell of a woman.