Without further ado, I present to you the singularly most unpleasant chocolate experienced during my four months of travelling.
Jacques Chocolat Fondant Extra Fin Fourré Crème Confiseur Goût Pistache
I should have guessed how horrible this chocolate was going to be upon reading the English translation of its name: “Extra Fine Plain Chocolate with a Pistachio Taste Filling”. Pistachio Taste Filling? Shoot me now.
This is likely to be one of my shortest chocolate reviews ever, because I do not have a single positive thing to say. Despite ostensibly being made from the “Finest Quality Callebaut”, this chocolate had no distinct cocoa flavours nor was it able to distract from the horrendousness of the… *sigh*… Pistachio Taste Filling.
Although “fondant” in the French above refers to the chocolate’s dark and “plain” nature, “fondant” in the English-language sense of “hard sugar icing” is the only apt description for Jacques’ filling. The pale green inside of this bar was almost rock-solid, and tasted of nothing but sugar squared. Sugar multiplied by itself a hundred times over, even, and compressed into a solid log that seemed determined never to dissolve in the mouth. I almost gagged.
And yet, I ate two-thirds of this 200g bar before giving up. Somehow, I couldn’t believe it was really as horrible, sickly sweet, hard to eat, and unsatisfying as it was.
Louise and anyone else interested in awful chocolate products? This was horrible, sickly sweet, hard to eat, and unsatisfying. Consider yourselves warned.
Nestlé Éclat Noir Fèves de Cacao
Thank the stars for the existence of rich chocolatey intensity. Sure, this chocolate is made by Nestlé, that evil third-world baby-killer company mentioned in my Honours thesis, but at least it only made my conscience and not my physical self gag.
The chocolate had a 64% cacao content but was admirably rich and dark in flavour, with hints of the roasted and woodsy flavours I love. The cacao nibs contributed not only coffee notes bar but, in being caramelised, lent a lovely toffee essence as well.
That’s about it, folks. Not the greatest nibby chocolate I’ve had, but so tremendously better than the Jacques and its Travesty Taste Filling that I’m probably being kinder than I normally would.
You lucked out, Nestlé. I may not be so lenient next time.